Well, yesterday was rough.
After the BFN, I kept my composure until I went into the bathroom, and then I completely lost it (I have no idea why the bathroom triggered it. lol). I was absolutely sobbing. The kind of sobbing where you can't breathe and your face is all contorted. I think it might have been the hardest I've ever cried. For the first time in my life, I literally cried out to God. I'd only ever done that in my head before.
My doctor told me NOT to get my FSH/LH levels tested (although I have no idea why), but that she could order some progesterone shots to get me to start cycling again. I told her I'd have to talk to my husband to see what he thought and that I would call her back. Well, the next time I called, the receptionist said that Dr. L said that I could do nothing and see if I start cycling on my own, or start estrogen and progesterone again. She said that if I start my period, I can start taking Cl.omid. I told her that I have plenty of estrogen and progesterone here, and asked if I should just take that. The receptionist said she had to ask the doctor and she'd call me back. I haven't heard from her.
I'm very frustrated with my doctor. I know I've said this a million times before, but I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! Seriously, I am sick of just treating my symptoms. I want a diagnosis. I haven't had my FSH/LH tested for a year, but it was 165 last time it was tested. I mean, something has to be causing that! Even menopausal women don't have FSH levels that high. Clom.id isn't going to help me if my FSH levels are that high. I'm pretty sure Dr. L forgets that every time I go to see her. I love her, and I'm so grateful for what she's done for me so far, but she's very forgetful.
In addition to the whole not being pregnant thing, I'm also having a what-in-the-world-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life crisis. I went to the convent in the middle of my college career (I figured I wouldn't need my degree in the convent, especially since I'd be getting one after my novitiate), and when I left the convent it was too late to re-enroll for the spring semester. I worked at the factory where my dad works for a few months, until I moved closer to Boomz and transferred to a local branch of a university. Well, I only went to school for one semester, because I feel like college isn't for me. I know that sounds like I'm being lazy, but I'm really not. All I want to do with my life is be a wife and a mother. That is what I want to be, and I don't need a degree for that. At least that was my mentality at the time. I think I thought (even though I'd been having fertility issues since I was 17) that we'd conceive right away, so I could just be a SAHM. I started working at a local coffee shop, and worked there a few months until new owners bought the place and kicked us all out. So now I'm a SAHW. I would just go back to school, but it turns out they don't offer all of the classes I need at the local branch, so I'd have to commute 45 minutes-an hour everyday to the main campus. Besides, I have no idea what I'd do with a degree in history. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, other than be a wife and mother. But I feel like I can't just be a SAHW until I have a baby. I could be waiting for the rest of my life. I feel pathetic because I don't really have any interests other than history and the Church. Sigh. What am I going to do?
I'm sorry this post is so rambling and confusing and poorly-written. I'm mostly trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head. Thank you all for your prayers, comments, and support! Y'all are so wonderful! :)