Thursday, January 27, 2011

Where do we go from here?

Well, yesterday was rough.

After the BFN, I kept my composure until I went into the bathroom, and then I completely lost it (I have no idea why the bathroom triggered it. lol).  I was absolutely sobbing.  The kind of sobbing where you can't breathe and your face is all contorted.  I think it might have been the hardest I've ever cried.  For the first time in my life, I literally cried out to God.  I'd only ever done that in my head before.

My doctor told me NOT to get my FSH/LH levels tested (although I have no idea why), but that she could order some progesterone shots to get me to start cycling again.  I told her I'd have to talk to my husband to see what he thought and that I would call her back.  Well, the next time I called, the receptionist said that Dr. L said that I could do nothing and see if I start cycling on my own, or start estrogen and progesterone again. She said that if I start my period, I can start taking Cl.omid.  I told her that I have plenty of estrogen and progesterone here, and asked if I should just take that.  The receptionist said she had to ask the doctor and she'd call me back.  I haven't heard from her.

I'm very frustrated with my doctor.  I know I've said this a million times before, but I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!  Seriously, I am sick of just treating my symptoms.  I want a diagnosis.  I haven't had my FSH/LH tested for a year, but it was 165 last time it was tested.  I mean, something has to be causing that!  Even menopausal women don't have FSH levels that high. isn't going to help me if my FSH levels are that high.  I'm pretty sure Dr. L forgets that every time I go to see her.  I love her, and I'm so grateful for what she's done for me so far, but she's very forgetful.

In addition to the whole not being pregnant thing, I'm also having a what-in-the-world-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life crisis.  I went to the convent in the middle of my college career (I figured I wouldn't need my degree in the convent, especially since I'd be getting one after my novitiate), and when I left the convent it was too late to re-enroll for the spring semester.  I worked at the factory where my dad works for a few months, until I moved closer to Boomz and transferred to a local branch of a university.  Well, I only went to school for one semester, because I feel like college isn't for me.  I know that sounds like I'm being lazy, but I'm really not.  All I want to do with my life is be a wife and a mother.  That is what I want to be, and I don't need a degree for that.  At least that was my mentality at the time.  I think I thought (even though I'd been having fertility issues since I was 17) that we'd conceive right away, so I could just be a SAHM.  I started working at a local coffee shop, and worked there a few months until new owners bought the place and kicked us all out.  So now I'm a SAHW.  I would just go back to school, but it turns out they don't offer all of the classes I need at the local branch, so I'd have to commute 45 minutes-an hour everyday to the main campus.  Besides, I have no idea what I'd do with a degree in history.  I have no idea what I want to do with my life, other than be a wife and mother.  But I feel like I can't just be a SAHW until I have a baby.  I could be waiting for the rest of my life.  I feel pathetic because I don't really have any interests other than history and the Church.  Sigh.  What am I going to do?

I'm sorry this post is so rambling and confusing and poorly-written.  I'm mostly trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head.  Thank you all for your prayers, comments, and support!  Y'all are so wonderful! :)


  1. I am really sorry you are having such a tough time! I totally understand the Md situation- I know, they are so caring...but I think they are so busy and sometimes they can not understand..we have a time-sensitive situation on our hands...our fertility!! tick-tock!!

    I think it is good that you let it all out in the bathroom- i agreee with you- I typically have good cries in the shower...water running, no one can hear ya...I am praying for you and answers soon~~

    How about looking into getting a degree in theology? Is that possible? the meantime, can you go speak to a priest for support?

  2. Was is your FSH level that was 165? Or your LH?

  3. It was my FSH. I think my LH levels were high too, but I don't know the numbers. :(

  4. Ohhhh! It sounds like it's a really rotten day. I'm sending a gigantic hug from Washington D.C. Read some of our buddy St. John of the Cross. Take care of yourself.

    Stay at home wives are WONDERFUL! History scholars are WONDERFUL! Wives that can't WAIT to become Mothers are WONDERFUL! You are WONDERFUL!!!!!

  5. That would be quite high for FSH. Have you had your FSH done more than once? Have you ever been on clomid? If so, did it have any effect in stimulating your ovaries?

  6. First, let me say, while your doctor sounds very nice, it doesn't sound like she is handling the situation with the same degree of aggression you would like (it would be driving me crazy too). Personally, I don't think it could hurt to look into finding a new fertility specialist. If you are in PA or IL, I have a friend who went to two very good doctors there, but regardless, it sounds like your current doc is taking the whole thing much more casually than you'd like.

    Second, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHW and it could be a valuable opportunity to learn new things, like new recipes or sewing, knitting, quilting or crocheting, etc. (I adore my kids but there are some things I wished I'd learned beforehand.) If you really want to get a degree or get a job though, there is nothing wrong with that either. Since your interests are history and the church, have you considered teaching a local CCD class? It might give you an opportunity to get out of the house and be around kids while using your interest in those subjects.

    Third, I am sure people have said it to you but you only mentioned it once on your blog, but adoptive moms are just as much moms. Maybe you should consider looking into and praying about adoption while you continue to search for answers to your IF if being a wife and mother is what you feel you are being called to do right now. Adoption is a miracle all its own.

    Hang in there. Prayers for you. God Bless†

  7. Yeah, the first time my FSH was 151. I've never been on clomid before, so I have no idea what it would do! I guess we'll see! :)

  8. Have you read Grace in My Heart's blog? She has a high FSH and was diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency and attended a weekend long medical research study with a doctor who is working on that specific cause of infertility.

    I myself have what my secular doctors considered a high FSH and while we were going to try clomid to see how I would respond, they first suggested injectibles and stressed that time was of the essence with any treatment I would pursue.

    But if I were you, I would check out Grace in my Heart's blog (there's a link from my blog if you've never been over there) and maybe get another doctor's opinion. I mean, it couldn't hurt.

  9. I hear you pain and desperation and so does God sweet one! Praying for you..

  10. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Praying for you!

  11. Lab ranges vary, so I am wondering what “normal FSH levels” with your lab if your current # is in the 100s. That’s just not a # I’m used to seeing even with women who have high #s and sometimes that’s an indication that the lab is using a different range.

    I am just so sorry. You know, even the most knowledgeable and caring doctors in the world are limited. Your problems are their problems for the few minutes they see you and then it’s time to focus on another patient. You’re the one who has to live with it 24-7 and that means you have to speak up – as uncomfortable as it is. If you feel she isn’t aggressive enough, you either have to explain that you need X, Y, Z (which it sounds like you have) or try another doctor. I have been there and it is never fun, but you are your own best advocate.

    Oh, I just feel the pain in your post and my heart breaks for you. I left the working world to be a SAHM . . . only that M turned into a W when no baby came year after year. What you are doing – being a wife and a homemaker - is purposeful and never discount that. If you end up doing something else, that will be great, too, but what you are doing now is just as wonderful.

  12. I wonder the same thing as Ann-that maybe your lab is using a different eval system on your FSH, since a number in the hundreds isn't typically seen.

    Praying for you!

  13. I'm realyl sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I can imagine even though all the tests said no its impossible not to hold out some hope...that keeps getting smashed.

    About being a SAHW, I don't want this to sound advice-y and nothing replaces being a SAHM, but I wonder if there could be some outlet that would help fill the maternal void in your life right now until your children get here. One advice I received from the director of the Ruth Institute was to find some way to use that maternity that is building up in me. I haven't had time yet, but as soon as I graduate I plan to! Maybe it will help, she said she started going to retirement homes with her dog to visit with people. There are people now that can use you...even just a piece of you. I don't know what I'll do yet but I was thinking maybe a foster care home...

  14. Oh... the frustration of not knowing what to be "when you grow up"! Not an easy one. And if it makes you feel any better... I think most of us hit these points every 7 - 10 years or so... we feel like we need a change, either to a career or to a stay-at-home position. I pray the next step becomes clear!