Sunday, January 30, 2011


My hair is falling out! lol

I used to have super, super thick hair.  I mean, I could barely wrap a hair tie around it twice.  Then, all of a sudden, it started falling out a lot.  When I went to the doctor when I was in the convent (two years ago) because of my hot flashes, the doctor asked me if I noticed my hair falling out at all.  At the time, I said no because I was in the convent and wasn't paying much attention to my hair (obviously. lol).  However, after she mentioned something, I started to pay closer attention and noticed that my hair really does fall out A LOT.  This was also around the time I started skipping periods more and more often.  I know hair falling out is normal, but I mean, it's tons and tons of it.  My hair is everywhere.  It's on the couch, in the sink and tub, on all of our clothes, in our food (which is NOT pleasant), and all over the seats in our car.  It's gotten to the point where I'm a little afraid to brush my hair.  I've also noticed that the individual hairs are actually thinner.  

Does anybody know what could be causing this?  Could Premature Ovarian Failure (or insufficiency) or early menopause cause it?  I'm obviously not postpartum, so it can't be that. ;)  I've been taking prenatal vitamins for almost two years, which I thought would help, but they're not.  The doctors I've talked to about it don't really take it seriously and say it's all in my head (I hear this a LOT).  I would love to hear your thoughts on this... I don't want to go bald at 22, ladies! lol 

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Movie Night!

First, I just want to say thank you all so, so much for all of your comments, advice, and prayers!  Seriously, you all are so wonderful.  Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm going to write about something totally unrelated to IF so I can try to get my mind off of it. :)

Last night, Boomz and I went to see The Ri.te. :)  When I first saw the trailer for the movie, I thought, "Okay, I really, really want to see this because An.thony Ho.pkins is amazing, but it looks too scary."  Well, after reading a bazillion reviews, one of which said it wasn't even scary, I was convinced I HAD to see it.

It was AMAZING! :)

I don't know why in the world that guy that said it wasn't scary, because I was TERRIFIED. lol  I brought my Benedictine crucifix, just in case, and I was holding and kissing that thing almost the whole time (not superstitiously, of course.  Just for comfort and to remind me He has already won!).  There were some definite  However, most of the reason I was terrified was because of the spiritual reality that surrounds me that I really, really don't take seriously enough.  I left the movie with a sense that I need to pray much, much more often (other than a morning offering, prayers before meals, and a Divine Mercy Chaplet), especially for priests.  They are on the front lines of this battle every single minute of their lives.  Their battles may not be as dramatic as Fr. Lucas' are in the movie, but I'm sure the devil tempts them horribly because of their priestly office.  As Boomz said when we were walking out of the theater, "It made me want to never stop praying the rosary ." :)

The movie is also VERY Catholic. :)  There are cassocked priests and habited nuns everywhere, and rosaries and statues of Our Lady abound.  I mean, there are a few parts where the nerd in me got annoyed (they kept saying the seminarian was going to take "first vows", which doesn't make sense unless he was in an order of some kind.  Diocesan priests just make promises), but it didn't make that many mistakes about Catholic theology (that I noticed).  Overall, the Church is portrayed in a favorable light, and it made me think a great deal about the consequences of sin and what it means to sin.  Besides, Anth.ony Ho.pkins was just amazing!  And adorable, in the old man kind of way. :) I would love to go see it again.

On a somewhat related note, the teenagers that were in the theater behaved awfully!  Do teenagers behave much worse than when we were teenagers, or am I just turning into a curmudgeon? lol  I mean, they were throwing things across the room in the middle of the movie, sitting on each other's laps, making crude jokes, and talking the ENTIRE time!  The kids in front of us got so bad that Boomz finally said something to them and they left. :) 

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Where do we go from here?

Well, yesterday was rough.

After the BFN, I kept my composure until I went into the bathroom, and then I completely lost it (I have no idea why the bathroom triggered it. lol).  I was absolutely sobbing.  The kind of sobbing where you can't breathe and your face is all contorted.  I think it might have been the hardest I've ever cried.  For the first time in my life, I literally cried out to God.  I'd only ever done that in my head before.

My doctor told me NOT to get my FSH/LH levels tested (although I have no idea why), but that she could order some progesterone shots to get me to start cycling again.  I told her I'd have to talk to my husband to see what he thought and that I would call her back.  Well, the next time I called, the receptionist said that Dr. L said that I could do nothing and see if I start cycling on my own, or start estrogen and progesterone again. She said that if I start my period, I can start taking Cl.omid.  I told her that I have plenty of estrogen and progesterone here, and asked if I should just take that.  The receptionist said she had to ask the doctor and she'd call me back.  I haven't heard from her.

I'm very frustrated with my doctor.  I know I've said this a million times before, but I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!  Seriously, I am sick of just treating my symptoms.  I want a diagnosis.  I haven't had my FSH/LH tested for a year, but it was 165 last time it was tested.  I mean, something has to be causing that!  Even menopausal women don't have FSH levels that high. isn't going to help me if my FSH levels are that high.  I'm pretty sure Dr. L forgets that every time I go to see her.  I love her, and I'm so grateful for what she's done for me so far, but she's very forgetful.

In addition to the whole not being pregnant thing, I'm also having a what-in-the-world-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life crisis.  I went to the convent in the middle of my college career (I figured I wouldn't need my degree in the convent, especially since I'd be getting one after my novitiate), and when I left the convent it was too late to re-enroll for the spring semester.  I worked at the factory where my dad works for a few months, until I moved closer to Boomz and transferred to a local branch of a university.  Well, I only went to school for one semester, because I feel like college isn't for me.  I know that sounds like I'm being lazy, but I'm really not.  All I want to do with my life is be a wife and a mother.  That is what I want to be, and I don't need a degree for that.  At least that was my mentality at the time.  I think I thought (even though I'd been having fertility issues since I was 17) that we'd conceive right away, so I could just be a SAHM.  I started working at a local coffee shop, and worked there a few months until new owners bought the place and kicked us all out.  So now I'm a SAHW.  I would just go back to school, but it turns out they don't offer all of the classes I need at the local branch, so I'd have to commute 45 minutes-an hour everyday to the main campus.  Besides, I have no idea what I'd do with a degree in history.  I have no idea what I want to do with my life, other than be a wife and mother.  But I feel like I can't just be a SAHW until I have a baby.  I could be waiting for the rest of my life.  I feel pathetic because I don't really have any interests other than history and the Church.  Sigh.  What am I going to do?

I'm sorry this post is so rambling and confusing and poorly-written.  I'm mostly trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head.  Thank you all for your prayers, comments, and support!  Y'all are so wonderful! :)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

In Suspense...

I finally got my blood drawn for a pregnancy test yesterday!  My doctor's office said they'd call me today with the results, but it never happened.  Hopefully they'll call tomorrow morning... I mean, part of me thinks that surely they would have called right away if it were positive, but another part is still holding on to hope.  

Ughhh...I have SO many worries about all of this!  If only surrendering to God's will were easy! :) 

I'll let y'all know what the results are!  I'm sure you're all hanging on tenterhooks. ;)  

P.S. That is the right phrase, right? lol  I can't remember if it's waiting on tenterhooks or hanging.  lol 

Monday, January 24, 2011

A Few Things

Thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post.  They've given me a lot to think about and have been such a consolation to me! :)  Thank you so much!

I went to Confession on Saturday and confessed my bitterness toward God.  Our priest hurt his knee while skiing, so a visiting priest was hearing confessions, and he actually gave me council!  Priests NEVER give me advice in the confessional!  This priest had me in tears, because 1) He was so gentle and he sounded like he understood how hard IF is, and 2) He said almost everything you gals said in the comments of my last post!  He told me that once I surrender to God's will, something beautiful will happen.  It may not be a child, but maybe I'll have some special insight into God's nature that people without this cross will never have. 

At Mass yesterday, the priest (not the same as above lol) gave an AMAZING homily.  He talked about the horrors of abortion and how abortion stems from the contraceptive mentality.  Ahh, it was SO good!  I was so proud of this priest for speaking up about hard issues!

Yesterday, my sister texted me and told me that she caught our little brother watching por.n on her laptop.  He's only 14 years old.  Sigh.  I'm feeling so many different things about this... At first my heart just sunk and I felt really sad, then I got angry with my parents for not forming their children in the Faith, and then I got angry with our pornified culture and the people who make such trash.  UGH!  And my sister is reluctant to say anything to our parents because our brother tells her everything and "she doesn't want to lose that".  While I totally understand that, I just want to shake her and say, "HELLO?!  Don't you understand his soul is at stake here?!"  I also feel like I should say something to him since I'm his Confirmation sponsor...

The most frustrating thing about all of this is the fact that even if my sister tells my parents, they probably won't DO anything about it!  They'll just say, "Oh, don't do that.  That's inappropriate," and just let it go.  If it were me, I would get rid of the wireless internet!  That way, he can only use the desktop in the living room.  But I know my parents won't do that, because they just bought him live.  UGH, UGH, UGHHH!

Can you tell I'm a little upset? lol 

Please, please pray for my family, especially my brother.  At one point, he told me he wanted to be a priest, but in the last year the world has really got ahold of him.  Sigh. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

Frustration and A Question

Well, CD47 and P+18 (at least-my cycle was so weird so I'm not totally sure) and still no AF. 

I've taken four home pregnancy tests and got four BFN.  I called my doctor this morning and asked her if I should take a blood test, but she can't fax an order over to the lab until Monday afternoon.  I am SO frustrated!  I would really, really like some answers.  

I'm feeling a bit crazy about this whole situation.  On one hand, I fully expect to NOT be pregnant.  On the other, I totally have my hopes up.  For example, I haven't had an alcoholic beverage for a couple of weeks now and I restricted myself to half a cup of coffee this morning because I've heard caffeine can negatively effect fertility (is that true?).  I've been completely exhausted (even though I've been sleeping better), and somehow the thought keeps creeping into my head that it's pregnancy fatigue.  This morning when I was nauseated, I let myself think that it might be a bit of morning sickness.  I know with four BFN it's highly unlikely that I'm pregnant, but I keep thinking things like that anyway.    

After getting my fourth BFN this afternoon, I asked Boomz if he thinks God made me infertile, and if He didn't, how did I get this way?  Boomz replied that he doesn't know if God made me infertile, but if He did, it would somehow be for His glory.  Because I'm a prideful sinner, I automatically thought, "Well, that's just selfish of Him.  Why would He make me this way if He knew it would cause me so much pain?  If it's just for His glory, then that's not very humble of Him."  Ugh, Lord Jesus, forgive me!  

So I guess my question is: do you think God made me infertile?  I don't know the correct theological answer, but I lean toward no. 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Family Drama

The other day, Boomz and I were driving home from a weekend of visiting family and friends, when his mother called.  Boomz' cousin C, had written on her mother's FB wall, saying:

"Since I can't be friends with any of my aunts and uncles on my facebook page I'll give it to them on my mother's......You are all disgusting excuses for people your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and fundamentalist views are sick. It grosses me out that I am related to you people (except you Mom). Its too bad Grandma didn't choose abortion the 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 5th times she got knocked up, seems those stem cells would have went to better use rather than give any of you jerks a brain and a mouth."

So. Evil.  

Most of Boomz' family (on his mother's side) are devout Baptists and nondenominational Protestants.  C's branch of the family is Catholic, but obviously, C doesn't practice.  C has an alcohol problem (even though she won't admit it), and has two children with two different men, both of whom she wasn't married to.  She often accuses the rest of the family (especially my MIL) of pushing religion on her, even though we never really mention it in front of her.  However, at Christmas she seemed pretty happy, and wasn't as belligerent as she usually is!  We seriously have no idea what prompted such an attack on the rest of Boomz' family.   It's really, really sad.  I can't imagine harboring such hate inside!  I love my in-laws; I don't understand how anybody can think such things about them.  

After finding out about C's rant, Boomz wrote a beautiful, private note on FB to his family (including the branch that hates the rest of us) telling them how much he appreciates them.  I sent my MIL a FB message telling her that I'm VERY happy she's alive and that she's a wonderful MIL. :)  Now, my SIL is arranging a family prayer meeting in a couple of days. :)  

Please pray for C and Boomz' family.  C is obviously very wounded.  

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Okie dokie then...

Although I've been having cramps for days now (yesterday's were particularly bad), I've been off of my progesterone for 3 days now (which my doctor said should make my period start), and I'm at CD45 (or something), I STILL haven't started my period.  I POAS again today, and yet again, a BFN.  I don't understand.  Any thoughts?  

Thank you all for all of your comments and support through all of this confusion!  You all are so wonderful!  

In other news, at a get-together this weekend I found out yet another one of my friends is pregnant.  They even brought ultrasound pictures, which I did NOT look at.  It feels like everybody I know is pregnant!  Ay, ay, ay!

I think the anxiety meds I'm taking are keeping me from sleeping.  I usually fall asleep fine, but wake up at some point(s) and I can't go back to sleep.  I'm honestly not sure if I slept at all last night.  Many of my symptoms (stabbing pains in my chest, racing heart, etc.) are gone, but I'm going crazy from lack of sleep.  

Ugh.  I feel like I haven't properly blogged in a million years, and I have a lot that I want to post about, but I'm so, so tired and I can't think straight.  I'm sorry!  Thank you all for sticking with me, even though I'm not being a very good blogger! :) 

Monday, January 17, 2011

Just a quick update

I'm having horrible cramps...AF is on her way.  And I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.  

Sunday, January 16, 2011

CD43 and counting...

AF has not shown up... 

I POAS again on Friday, and no baby!  My doctor called me back and said to stop taking progesterone and I should get my period in a couple of days...We'll see.  

I'm so, so CONFUSED!  I know I've said this already, but I'm really, really worried that I'm going to stop cycling again.  That leaves no hope at all...

Friday, January 14, 2011

Still no AF

I never thought I'd be so frustrated by NOT having AF visit. lol  

It's CD41 and no AF and no pregnancy.  What's going on?!  I called my doctor yesterday and all she told me was, "Relax.  You'll get your period."  Oh. Okay then.  Sigh.  To her credit, she did have her receptionist call again today to ask how many days I've been on my progesterone (13), and said she'd call later if she thinks anything is wrong.  

My biggest worry is that I'm just going to stop cycling again.  At least when I have my period, there's SOME hope of pregnancy.  Seeing a million updates on my friends' pregnancies every time I log in to Facebook just reminds me of how abnormal I am.  I know I can block them from my newsfeed, but I feel so bad doing that!  I'm definitely giving up for Lent this year. :)

Luckily, Boomz and I are going to visit some friends and family this weekend, so maybe that'll help to get my mind off of my IF! :)  We're going to see my family tonight, and then head to see our friends on Saturday to celebrate Boomz' 25th birthday! :)  Yay!  He's a quarter of a century old! 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

So confused!'s CD38 and no AF.  

I POAS last night, and of course it was a BFN.  Since I've started cycling again (last March), I've never had a cycle this long.  Am I going to randomly start skipping periods again?  My period this cycle was all VL and L... 

Boomz was so cute last night.  He was so hopeful about the pregnancy test!  He didn't want me to look at the results without him. :)  When we saw the BFN, he said "Well, maybe next month!"  I'm so grateful for his hopefulness.  He keeps me from getting too bitter and reminds me that "We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a wonderful husband!

Thank you all so much for your prayers!  They are so appreciated!  I love you girls!

Monday, January 10, 2011

CD 36

Today's CD36...

My cycles are usually around 35 days long, and I've been trying all day to NOT get my hopes up.  Thank goodness I squashed what little hope I had for this cycle, because I am now having cramps.  UGH!

I'm extremely confused about this cycle anyway, because I had ten days of fertile CM.  That's not normal, right?  I also just had 6C/K on CD33, which is...odd.  It definitely wasn't SF, although that's what my doctor will probably say.  Has anyone else ever experienced CM that late in their cycle?  I would love to hear what the IF Brain Trust thinks about this! :)

P.S.  After writing this post, I realized that I've been a Negative Nelly on here lately!  I promise I'm going to write something happy in the next few days! :) 

Sunday, January 9, 2011


Inspired by Faith Makes Things Possible's post, I've decided to post a snow picture of my own. :)

See that giant mound of snow on the left?  Yeah, that's my car. lol  What you see on and surrounding my car is about two days worth of snow.  We've already had two giant snow storms (we're talking four feet of snow) this winter, and there will probably be more. :(   Oh well, at least it's pretty! :)

Saturday, January 8, 2011


I just found out ANOTHER friend is pregnant.  That's three in less than a month. 


Friday, January 7, 2011

I have a confession to make

I don't pray much about my infertility.

I feel so ashamed saying that after reading so many inspiring IF blogs and seeing how faithful you all are, but I can't bring myself to pray about my IF much.  Every once and awhile (most often during Mass), I say to the Lord or His Blessed Mother, "Please let me have a baby", but that's about as far as I get.  I don't pray novenas to have a baby (I started one once and gave up), or rosaries, or Divine Mercy Chaplets.  I pray all of these things for other intentions, but never for my IF.

I've been thinking about the WHY behind all of this lately, and I think it comes down to a few things: lack of faith, hope, and trust.  Deep down, I don't believe and trust that God will bless me with a child.  I'm constantly afraid of getting my hopes up and getting disappointed, and for some reason I equate praying with getting my hopes up.  Sigh.  I have so little faith.  

(Just a quick disclaimer: I want a baby more than anything.  Please don't equate my lack of prayer with a lack of desire...I'm just scared)

I'm going to try to force myself to pray about my IF this year.  Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband to keep me accountable! :) 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Oh, the situations I get myself into...

Remember my friend that I wrote about a couple of posts ago?  The one that got pregnant on their honeymoon and I was having a hard time congratulating?  Well, I finally congratulated her (I'm genuinely happy for her now), and I later commented on a post she wrote about how she hates birth control commercials.  It led to talk about what we're up to these days, and then...she asked if we could get together for prayer sometime.  

I know it's not that big of a deal, but I don't know this girl very well (we were on a retreat team together and went to the same parish in college, but that's about it), AND she's pregnant, so I don't really WANT to hang out with her.  I hope that doesn't sound mean.  I just feel like it'd be super awkward.  I just don't know how to say no to people, plus I think she's really lonely.  I'm the only person from college that's in her area.  So...I don't know what to do.  What do you all think?

Monday, January 3, 2011

Books I Got for Christmas!

This Christmas, I received A LOT of wonderful books, so I thought I'd share some with you!  I'm super excited about reading them. :)  I was planning on putting pictures of the books on here, but I can't seem to find the right ones. :(  Sorry!

Kristin Lavransdatter by Un.dset and translated by Tina
I: The Wreath
II: The Wife

I CONSUMED these books within 5 days of getting them.  Seriously, they are SO good.  Kristin is one of the most "real" characters I've ever "met". Though she is a huge sinner, I love her and I'm going to be very sad to say goodbye to her.  I only got the first two books in the series, but I can't wait to buy the third!  Thank you, Leila, for writing about these books!  You got me so interested that I asked for them for Christmas! :)

The Secret Diary of Elisabeth Leseur and Elisabeth Leseur Selected Writings 

I got these from Boomz, in honor of my patron saint of this year! :)  

The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

I've finished The Magician's Nephew yesterday (that honestly might be my favorite one), and now I'm in the middle of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.  :)  I'll never get too old for these books. 

The Power of a Praying Wife 

I was inspired by Heart of St. Monica to ask for this book for Christmas! :)  I can't wait to start reading it!

Did any of you receive some good books for Christmas? :) 

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's been FOREVER

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged properly!  Ay, ay, ay!  I've missed you girls!

Things have been a bit crazy for Boomz and I these last couple of weeks.  We traveled to my parents' house for Christmas and were there a couple of days, then a friend stayed with us for two more days, and the day he left we went to stay with some friends in Indianapolis to celebrate the New Year.  We just got back, and I am SO happy to be home.  The stay in Indy was...interesting.  Sigh.  I don't even know where to I won't. lol  I hope everyone's New Year's celebrations were fun and safe! :)

In Health News, I've been having awesome CM lately! :)  10KL all over the place, which makes me happy since I never have fertile CM!  I'm wondering if my (TMI warning!) va.ginal discharge was messing with my cycles, because my CM starting showing up when my discharge was clearing up.  However, the stupid stuff is back, and I am very frustrated.  I'm going to call my doctor on Tuesday and see what she says.  

I found out on New Year's Eve (or maybe New Year's Day...the days all blended together while we were in Indy) that one of my friends is 15 weeks pregnant.  They must have gotten pregnant on their honeymoon.  Sigh.  I may have to hide her posts on Facebook, because since announcing their pregnancy, her status updates say things like: "Ma and Pa ____.  Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" and "We're so excited to be parents!".  I'm trying to find it in me to congratulate her, but I haven't been able to yet.  Does that make me an awful person?