Friday, January 21, 2011

Frustration and A Question

Well, CD47 and P+18 (at least-my cycle was so weird so I'm not totally sure) and still no AF. 

I've taken four home pregnancy tests and got four BFN.  I called my doctor this morning and asked her if I should take a blood test, but she can't fax an order over to the lab until Monday afternoon.  I am SO frustrated!  I would really, really like some answers.  

I'm feeling a bit crazy about this whole situation.  On one hand, I fully expect to NOT be pregnant.  On the other, I totally have my hopes up.  For example, I haven't had an alcoholic beverage for a couple of weeks now and I restricted myself to half a cup of coffee this morning because I've heard caffeine can negatively effect fertility (is that true?).  I've been completely exhausted (even though I've been sleeping better), and somehow the thought keeps creeping into my head that it's pregnancy fatigue.  This morning when I was nauseated, I let myself think that it might be a bit of morning sickness.  I know with four BFN it's highly unlikely that I'm pregnant, but I keep thinking things like that anyway.    

After getting my fourth BFN this afternoon, I asked Boomz if he thinks God made me infertile, and if He didn't, how did I get this way?  Boomz replied that he doesn't know if God made me infertile, but if He did, it would somehow be for His glory.  Because I'm a prideful sinner, I automatically thought, "Well, that's just selfish of Him.  Why would He make me this way if He knew it would cause me so much pain?  If it's just for His glory, then that's not very humble of Him."  Ugh, Lord Jesus, forgive me!  

So I guess my question is: do you think God made me infertile?  I don't know the correct theological answer, but I lean toward no. 


  1. I don't know if God made you infertile or not. I know some people whose infertility problems were genetic. Others don't find out why.

    I'm hypothyroid. So is my aunt and my grandmother. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 19. Did God make me hypothyroid? I don't know but I don't know that it matters much. I am whether he did or not.

    If God made you infertile, or to struggle with infertility, I'm with your husband, it would be for his glory. Everyone has their crosses, whatever they might be. God gives everyone crosses for our own salvation as well as so that we might participate in His saving act and glorify Him.

    My husband was telling me about an article he read about couples who struggle with infertility and go to get IVF treatments and how dangerous this can be because sometimes the infertility is a greater indicator of something else medically wrong that needs to be taken care of first or because, to carry a baby, a close, specific medical treatment is necessary. (I'm not suggesting you are thinking of IVF.) My only point in mentioning it is that maybe the doctor needs to figure out just why you have struggled with infertility for a more serious medical reason known only to God at the moment. One friend of mine miscarried 3 times (between 2006 and 2009) before they found out her blood disorder wasn't being monitored correctly and closely enough to keep the baby alive. She now has a healthy, beautiful 6 month old baby boy. If I hadn't been diagnosed hypothyroid when I was 19, I'm sure it would have had an effect when I was 25 and got married and pregnant.

    So, while I hope you really are PG, if you aren't, I hope the doctor can figure out soon why but maybe the blood test will help shed some light on what is going on.

  2. First, about the caffiene. The big issue from what my doctors have said and what I have read with caffiene is dehydration. Caffiene is a diuretic so you pee more. So if you do have some caffiene just make sure you bump up your water intake. Iv continued to drink small amounts of caffiene through out my pregnancy wig my dice permission. I just try to remember to drink extra water.

    As far as God making you infertile. I've always looked at it this way (and I may totally wrong here), but God does not necessarily do these things to us, but, he allows them to happen. Sure, God could stop anything, but he allows us to go through these things and have these crosses for a reason. We may not understand that reason but he does. Does that make sense?

    Don't beat yourself up too much. I know it is so hard. Like my priest told be the other day when we were talking about my struggle with losing my Nana. If you are angry, be angry. Allow yourself those feelings because they are real and surprising them won't help. He said to tell God you are angry and why.

    I'll be praying for you. I know how hard this is.

  3. Thank you both so much!

    I guess I'm just struggling with God's role in my IF. I talked to a friend awhile ago about all of this, and she just really confused me about everything. I don't know. I guess I'm still in the denial/anger stage of grief...I'll get to the acceptance part eventually, right? :)

    Again, thank you so much! I really appreciate your comments! :)

  4. God Along - I can't speak for IF specifically, but I have found a lot of peace in contemplating the difference between God's passive will and active will. Like Karen said... basically, because God is all-powerful, everything that happens in life on some level is *allowed* by God, however this does not mean God actively wills it or desires it for us. In other words, God isn't actively zapping us with disease, harm, and loss. I truly believe God grieves with us in our sorrows and that He does not take pleasure in our pain. I truly believe He hates the injustices so many experience in life. Especially those sorrows that are beyond our control, like physical ailments or losses.

    At the same time, when God does not intervene with a miraculous solution, He is still actively "there," using every difficult, painful thing in our lives for good... often greater good than we ever could have anticipated (in the long run, not perhaps today, in this very moment). I do believe one day He will wow us with what He has done with what we felt were the most irredeemable aspects of our lives (even if it's on the other side of eternity).

    Anyway... not sure if this helps or not but I struggled for a long time with anger/grief towards God and feeling far away from Him.

  5. I totally agree with Sarah! The book "I Believe in Love" that I mentioned on my blog last week talks about this a lot, and it is so amazing!! :)

  6. Another blogger and I have talked about this subject for hours!

    No, I do not believe God picked you to be infertile, me to lose pregnancy after pregnancy, another to get cancer, etc. Our bodies are frail and subject to ailments. With every single cross that we are given, we are called to use it to grow closer to God and to use it for his glory, not because the disease was created to glorify Him, but because WE were created to do so. Of course, we pray He'll lead us to the right path to heal our bodies. That's my theory anyway.