Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Prayers, please

I'm pretty sure my husband and I have food poisoning, so could you all pray for us?  Thank you.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Prayer :)

First, I have a med question.  I'm supposed to start taking progesterone at P+3, but I haven't had any CM this cycle (it's CD 26), so do I still take it?  I'm totally confused about this cycle.  Sigh.

Since deciding to become my little brother's Confirmation sponsor, I've been reading the Catechism of the Catholic Church more frequently, and it has beautiful things to say about prayer!  Here are some of my favorite parts:

"The Son of God who became the Son of the Virgin also learned to pray according to His human Heart. He learns the formulas of prayer from his mother, who kept in her heart and meditated upon all the 'great things' done by the Almighty.  He learns to pray in the words and rhythms of the prayer of his people, in the synagogue at Nazareth and the Temple at Jerusalem.  But his prayer springs from an otherwise secret source, as he intimates at the age of twelve: 'I must be in my Father's house.'  Here the newness of prayer in the fullness of time begins to be revealed: his filial prayer, which the Father awaits from his children, is finally going to be lived out by the only Son is his humanity, with and for men."  CCC 2599

"Adoration is the first attitude of man acknowledging that he is a creature before his Creator.  It exalts the greatness of the Lord who made us and the almighty power of the Savior who sets us free from evil.  Adoration is homage of the spirit to the 'King of Glory,' respectful silence in the presence of the 'ever greater' God.  Adoration of the thrice-holy and sovereign God of love blends humility and gives assurance to our supplications. " CCC 2628

"The second prayer, before the raising of Lazarus, is recorded by St. John.  Thanksgiving precedes the event: 'Father, I thank you for having heard me,'  which implies that the Father always hears his petitions.  Jesus immediately adds: 'I know that you always hear me,' which implies that Jesus, on his part, constantly made such petitions.  Jesus' prayer, characterized by Thanksgiving, reveals to us how to ask: before the gift is given, Jesus commits himself to the One who in giving gives himself.  The Giver is more precious than the gift; he is the 'treasure'; in him abides his Son's heart; the gift is given "as well." CCC 2604

Ahh, I love the Catechism! :D

My own prayer life is...blah. lol  When I was in college, it was easy to be faithful to daily devotions because all of my friends would get together and pray the Divine Office or the rosary, and I lived about 2 seconds away from the church.  I could go visit the Blessed Sacrament at all hours of the night, and there was Adoration two times a week.  Then I went to the convent, and obviously it was easy to be faithful there! lol  Now that I'm married, however, it's easy to let things get in the way of my prayer life.  For the past couple of months or so, however, I've been trying to become more disciplined in all things, but especially prayer.  I've been praying the Morning Offering, the Angelus at noon (this one is really hard for me to remember), and the Divine Mercy Chaplet at three.  I've also been trying to remind myself of the Presence of God throughout the day, and be more faithful about praying the rosary.  Praying the rosary is really difficult for me, because it's so hard for me to meditate.  None of the "methods" work for me.  Mother Angelica and my sisters say to place yourself IN the Biblical story or mystery of the rosary, but I must not have a very good imagination because that never, ever works. :)  Ah, well.  St. Teresa of Avila said she knew a nun that reached the heights of sanctity, and she only knew the Hail Mary and Our Father! :)  So there's hope for me, yet!

What about you all? :)  Do you have any favorite prayers or method of praying?  

Saturday, November 27, 2010


Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Thanksgiving with my family was...interesting. lol

Every time I go "home", something feels "off".  For a long time, I thought it was just because my family always expects my pre-conversion self to show up and, obviously, she doesn't, which causes tension.  While that is definitely part of it, I figured out the deeper cause this weekend.  To be blunt, they have no hope.  They live entirely for material things.  It's depressing as all get out.  Another thing that depresses me is the way my parents interact.  My mother is constantly telling my father that he's stupid or that he's an idiot, and my father doesn't know how to be a leader in his household and tries to avoid upsetting people no matter what the cost.  So, yeah, Ephesians 5 isn't exactly being lived out there.

At the actual Thanksgiving meal at my grandmother's house, I was saying something like, "I just want a baby, a dog, or a cat" (In jest.  Of course I don't think a baby is the same as a dog or a cat.), and the comments from my family made me SO angry.  Because I'm still a baby IF blogger, I haven't heard many of the standard comments IF women get, but on Thanksgiving I got almost all of them. :)  I heard, "Just relax, it'll happen!", "Just stop trying.  It always happens when you least expect it." "Just get drunk," etc, etc.  I just ignored them, and complained to my husband at the first opportunity.  lol

I didn't have any run-ins with my liberal cousin, thank the Lord!  There was, however, an incident with her 11 year old brother.  K came over to spend the night with my brother, and when he got to our house, he gave my brother a skateboarding magazine.  When he handed it to my brother, he said, "I especially like this page."  "This page" had a close up picture of a woman's butt wearing only a thong.  My husband informed my father, who hesitated to say something to my brother and cousin.  My mom said she was going to say something, but eventually decided she was, "too tired" (this is a microcosm of how my family works.).  After much nagging from me, my father finally told my cousin and father that the picture was "inappropriate" and tore out the picture.  Sigh.  I need to pray much harder for them than I do. 

My sister is well on her way with wedding planning already.  She has her date set for next November.  Her colors are butter yellow and brown (which will look horrible on my pasty skin), and her bridesmaids dresses have very low cut necklines.  I talked to Boomz about it, and he said something to my sister, and you'd have thought he killed the puppy!  Seriously, everyone started yelling and they thought he was telling me what to wear.  My mom was like, "You think I'm going to let people walk around with their breasts hanging out?!" (except she didn't say breasts), and I thought, "Yes.  Yes, I do.  You let me do it all through high school, you let L do it all the time, and YOU do it.  So yes, I do think you'd let that happen."  Ughhhh.  

I'm sorry, I know this is a complaining post, and probably isn't charitable, but my family is one of my biggest crosses, and I need somewhere to vent about it.  Although things with my family were tense, it made me incredibly thankful for the gift of faith and my husband.  Praise be to God! 

Happy Advent, everyone! :) 

P.S.  I just want to add that I love my family. lol  I realize that from this post it doesn't sound like it, but I would do anything for them.  They just cause a lot of stress, so I needed to vent a bit!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I'll Miss You Ladies...

...because I won't be blogging for a few days while I'm at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, and I don't want them to know I have a blog! lol  But I hope y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving!  Please pray that my cousin and I don't kill each other, that I can help my little brother understand the Faith better, and that I can at least pretend to be happy for my sister. lol

So it looks like this cycle may be a bust.  :(  I mean, it's CD 20 and there's no CM in sight.  I should have had some mucus buildup by now, right?  I'm relatively new to Creighton, and my charts are never, ever normal, so I could be wrong about thinking I should have some mucus buildup by now.  Any thoughts?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Did anybody else see "my" sisters on Opra.h today?!

I love them so much! 

It's CD19...

...so shouldn't my mucus buildup be starting?  Well, it's not.  I've been having a lot of 4, 2W, and 2 days, but that's about it.  :(  I wonder what it would be like to have a predictable cycle.  I've always been in awe of women that know what day AF will be coming, because I have never, ever been like that.  My sister sometimes even knows what time of DAY hers will be coming.  Yesterday, I realized that my sister may have children before I do.  I could potentially be "atomically-lapped", in the words of M at Complicated Life. :)  I have no idea what I'll do if that happens.  Ah, well, I'll just cross that bridge if I come to it. 

I've been looking up Premat.ure Ovaria.n Insufficie.ncy lately, and I have a few of the symptoms: Hot flashes, high FSH levels, and reduced breast size (sorry if that's TMI).  I'm going to bring it up to my doctor in a few weeks, and see what she says.  I asked her if I should get an antral follicle count, and she got a little weird about it, so we'll see.  I'm planning on making a giant list of symptoms I've been having lately and handing it to her. lol  I JUST WANT TO BE HEALTHY!  I just want to know what's wrong with me.  

I have a random question.  My husband and I really want to "live" Advent this year, so we bought an Advent wreath.  I've never had an Advent wreath before, since my family doesn't know the Faith, so I kind of don't know what to do. lol  I know there are prayers to say each Sunday of Advent, but I don't know what to do with the candles.  Do you keep them lit all week?  Or just all day on Sunday?  Or just for a little bit on Sunday?  I have no idea what I'm doing. lol

Blessed Miguel Pro, pray for us! :)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Why I Love My Husband (2)

He's super ticklish!  It's the cutest thing ever!

He allows me to live my dream of being a housewife, even if it means giving up a bigger apartment or a new car (for now).  I can't tell you how much I appreciate this!

He has all the confidence in the world in my cooking abilities-even though he doesn't have much of a reason to be. lol :) 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hot flashes...

...are hell. 

Just thought I'd let y'all know. :)

Babies are Everywhere.

Last night, my husband and I (I feel like I start a lot of sentences like that. lol) went to Ol.ive Gard.en to celebrate his brother's 30th birthday.  His brother's two-year-old, L, was there, whom I absolutely adore.  :)  I couldn't get enough of watching her!  I hope that doesn't sound creepy. lol  I just loved watching her little mannerisms-she has such a big personality!  I kept thinking, "I wonder if this is what it will be like if I have children.  Will I love watching my child's face as much as I love looking at her's?  Or will I just get used to it?".  However, as much I love spending time with my niece, every time I'm with her the ache inside gets worse.  Last night, it was very, very bad.  Babies were EVERYWHERE in that restaurant.  Seriously every table around us had at least one baby or toddler.  The ache for a child got so bad it physically hurt, and I was having a very hard time holding it together.  I ended up being fine, I mean, I just put on a happy face and tried to talk a lot. lol

I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with the fact that I don't know WHY I'm infertile.  My doctor keeps telling me that she wants to get me cycling normally and then she'll think about Cl.omid and other fertility drugs, but how can she best treat me if she doesn't know WHY I'm all screwed up?  This didn't really start bothering me until a couple of weeks ago, because I've just been so excited that SOMETHING was being done, instead of just being wrote off.  I mean, I would like to just KNOW if I'm in early menopause, so I know if I have any hope at all of conceiving.   I have an appointment in 2 and a half weeks, so I plan on voicing my frustrations. :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Prayer Requests

So...my 19 year old sister just called me and told me that she's engaged.  I'm having mixed feelings.  I'm happy for her, because she's so happy, and I love her boyfriend...er...fiance.  However, they plan on living together before marriage, and I suspect they have an unchaste relationship.  I'm not even really worried about her age (I knew at 19 I was going to marry Boomz), but I am worried about the fact that she has no idea what marriage means.  She has absolutely no faith formation.  And I'm nervous because this means MORE confrontation for me! lol  Unless their relationship changes, I cannot be in the wedding because it would appear as if I approve.  When she called, I told her I was going to give her some marriage books (I had Goo.d New.s About Se.x and Marriage by Chris.topher West in mind), because she really needs to know what she's getting into.  Do you have any other ideas for books I could give her?  Sigh.  I'm so worried about this whole situation.  I'm worried for her soul and the humongous blowup that's going to ensue if I say I can't be in the wedding.  I'm sorry, this is a stream of consciousness post, so I might be repeating myself a lot. lol  Ahhh...everything is just crazy.  If you could please pray that I handle this situation correctly, and that my sister will return to the Church, that would be great. 

Oh, I have ANOTHER prayer request!  Last night, Boomz and I went to dinner with one of his former colleagues and his wife, and they're having a really hard time with their oldest daughter.  She had a baby when she was 18, she's addicted to marijuana, and she may lose custody of her child.  It's a really sad situation, especially since her parents had no idea she had a drug problem.  Please pray for them!

Mary, Virgin and Mother, pray for us!

Friday, November 19, 2010

7 Quick Takes!

I guess this isn't an "official" Quick Takes post, because I'm not linking to Conversion Diary, but I'll call it one anyway. :)

1) On Sunday night, I resolved to get to daily Mass this week.  It didn't work.  I didn't go to ONE daily Mass.  :(  I tell myself, "Oh, I'm really exhausted, Jesus understands.  I don't have any energy at all, if I go, I'll just be miserable."  Then I feel guilty all day, because I think of all the saints that dragged themselves to Mass, no matter how sick and tired they were, to be able to be one with the Lord.  UGH.  I'm going to try harder next week!

2) I just heard on E.W.T.N that half of the abortions in the country occur in only five states: New York, California, Illinois, Florida, and Texas.  That just blows my mind.  Texas particularly shocked me, because they're always portrayed as conservative!  I guess conservative doesn't necessarily mean pro-life, though.

3) This is going to sound odd, but I'm getting pretty nervous about Thanksgiving. lol  My extended family all gets together for Thanksgiving, and nobody really understands my husband and I.  They all think we're judgmental, and take religion too seriously.  I'm particularly worried about my cousin M, though.  Since she's gone to college, she's become crazy liberal.  She's now an agnostic, aggressively pro-abortion and gay marriage, and is known as the "condo.m lady" among her peers because she hands so many out.  She's very vocal about what she thinks, so I'm afraid it's going to lead to a confrontation, or at least some uncomfortable situations. lol  It makes me sad because: 1) Her soul is at stake.  I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.  She's never been baptized, and I'm afraid she won't be open to it for a long time, 2) She's not thinking for herself, she's just following the trend on campus, and 3) She and I used to be very close, and now I don't even know what to talk to her about. :(

4) I've been having some really great dreams lately! :)  They're actually pretty sane, compared to my usual ones! lol  Anyway, a couple of nights ago, I had a dream that Boomz and I adopted a little girl with blonde curls and blue eyes (she looked a lot like our niece, actually).  In my dream, we were snuggled all up together taking a nap, when I heard somebody trying to get in the apartment.  I picked her up (she was suddenly all dirty lol), held her really close, and opened the door to confront whoever was trying to break in.  It was two guys wh!o were in my class in high school!  I said something like, "What do you think you're doing?!", and they had some kind of excuse and walked sheepishly away.  When I woke up, I was missing the baby girl. :( Last night, I had a dream that Boomz and I were best friends with a Hasi.dic Jewi.sh couple.  I'm pretty sure I had this one because I watched a documentary on their life a few days ago.  It was fascinating!

5)  I'm getting pretty excited about starting to teach my little brother about Confirmation!  :)  It's going to be so much fun!  I hope he gets excited about it...he used to love listening to me talk about the Faith, but now girls and skateboarding seem to have taken over. lol  He used to have a rosary hanging up by his bed, along with a crucifix and a picture of Our Lady, but last time I went home, I found them in a closet.  Sigh.  When he was 11, he told me he wanted to be a priest.  Maybe, through the grace of God, some of his interest will return through all of this! :)  A month or so ago, he was learning about St. Michael the Archangel and the guardian angels in CCD, and he texted me and said that he thought that was really cool, so I guess there's hope!

6) I have worry lines.  I'm not even 25, and I have WORRY LINES!  What's up with that?

7) This morning while I was reading the Catechism (I'm a nerd!), I found a little card tucked inside I used as a bookmark while I was in the convent.  It says, "Oh Mary, I put my trust in you; in this hope I live and in this hope I long to die, saying over and over: My only hope is Jesus, and after Jesus, Mary."  It's a quote from St. Alphonsus Liguori, and I just love it so much!  I'm renewing my Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary (I don't necessarily agree with everything on that site, just fyi) right now, so that quote is so appropriate.  :)   Do you have any favorite titles of Our Lady?  I have practically a million: Immaculate Conception, Our Lady of Lourdes, Cause of Our Joy, Ark of the Covenant...I could go on and on. lol

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Okay, so, I had posted something earlier today about a womanly issue I was having, but got super uncomfortable with it and deleted it, because I was embarrassed and thought it was probably TMI.  Is there such a thing in the IF blog world?

Question #2) Can coffee effect your fertility?  I've heard pregnant women shouldn't drink it, but can it effect CM or hormones at all?

Question #3) Can somebody explain the Brown Scapular to me?  I've never had an issue with it until a friend explained it to me as something like magic that will make sure I won't go to hell.  I know Moth.er Ange.lica says that Our Lady promises if one wears is wearing a scapular, they won't "burn in eternal fire", but how can a piece of wool do that?  It kind of sounds like superstition when explained that way (no offense to anybody that wears it-I just don't understand!).  

Shoot...I had another one but I've forgotten.  Oh well.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Our Courtship pt. III-The Wedding!

Well, after he proposed, I was (of course) crying and crying, and I just kept saying, "Nuh uh!  Really?!  Are you serious?!  Nuh uh!", which made him laugh and say, "Is there a yes in there somewhere?"  lol  So we prayed together for awhile, and went to Ou.tback. :) 

So we set our date for the next April (we wanted it to be earlier, but my family convinced me I would need more time to plan), and that August I moved to his town to be closer to him.  :)

I won't bore you with all of the planning details; I'll just go straight to the wedding! :)  I woke up on the couch at my parents' house the day of the wedding with a migraine.  It was horrible; I even threw up!  So I went to my hair appointment feeling like I was going to die, but some coffee and Ex.cedrin cleared that right up.  My hairdresser is a devout Catholic (very rare in my town), so we had wonderful conversations about marriage and nuns and our favorite devotions-it was great! :) 

After my hair was finished, I went home to finish getting ready.  My aunt, who sells Mar.y K.ay, came over to do all of my girls' makeup for free.  :) It was so much fun sitting around with the photographers (some of my friends from college) and my bridesmaids, but my mother was starting to get nervous because she thought getting ready was taking too long. lol  Anyway, I was ready on time, and I had to hide away in the sacristy with my girls, and that was when I finally started to get nervous. I wasn't nervous about getting married or anything, I was mostly nervous that my dad was going to cry because I just cannot handle that. lol  

I walked down the aisle to "How Beautiful", and my husband and I had it timed so I would walk down at, "How beautiful the radiant bride...", but the priest kept nodding at me so I left early (I'm such a pushover).  My husband had his eyes closed the whole time I was walking down the aisle! lol  He opened his eyes at the line I was supposed to start walking, and I was already right next to him!  Sigh.  I totally regret walking early!

When Boomz and I were planning our wedding Mass, we wanted to make sure it was about glorifying God and not ourselves, so we went all out (or what we considered to be all out at the time. lol) with the liturgy.  We had the Gloria (it was a Solemnity, so we were allowed), and lots of incense and some Latin.  :)  Our readings were from Tobit, Revelation, and John 17.  Ugh I wish I could remember the chapters and verses, but I can't!  I know the Tobit one was when Sarah and Tobiah were praying before their wedding night, and the Revelation reading was the Wedding Feast of the Lamb, but I can't remember the verses...ugh.  Anyway, we had wanted songs that his family would know, since they would be so uncomfortable at Mass (they're all Protestant), so we had Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, In Christ Alone, Be Thou My Vision, and other ones I can't remember. lol  Our prelude music was a recording of the Ta.ylor Chora.le (my husband went to Ta.ylor Univ.ersity back in his Protestand days. lol) singing Caritas et Amor, Holy, Holy, Holy, and Bogoroditse.  I cried during almost all of the songs because I was so grateful to God for sending His Son and for Boomz.  :)  My whole family (and many friends) said it was the most beautiful "ceremony" they'd ever been to.

In my hometown, it's tradition for the bridal party to go bar hopping between the wedding and the reception.  Ray and I didn't want to do that (who wants to sit in a dirty bar in their wedding dress? Not me.), so we all went to a nearby winery! :)

The reception is almost entirely a blur because I had to talk to so many people!  Boomz and I didn't actually spend much time together during the reception because people were pulling us every which way.  I was very excited about eating "wedding food" (we have traditional hometown comfort food at all of our weddings where I'm from), but I couldn't eat any for some reason.  Our first dance was to a song written and sung by Boomz' best friend, and my husband sang to me the whole time we danced. :)  At one point I said to him, "Everyone is looking at us!" and he said something like, "What do you think they've been doing all day, silly?". lol  We combined the father/daughter and mother/son dance and danced to the song "W.hat a W.onderful Wo.rld", and Dad didn't cry, which was good. lol  We had a "candy bar", which was a big hit.  I'm pretty sure Boomz' family was scandalized, though, because they didn't dance AT ALL and my whole family was dancing like crazy. lol 

I started feeling badly again, so Boomz and I left early (around 9:30, I think), but my mother said the party went on for long afterwards! :)  We Catholics sure know how to have fun! :)

Thank you, Jesus, for such an amazing husband!

"'Hallelujuah!  For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns.  Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready'...And the angel said to me, 'Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.'" Revelation 19:6-7,9.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Our Courtship pt. II

As I was packing for the convent (I think it was the day before I left-typical me!), I was thinking about Boomz, and all of a sudden I thought, "I'm going to marry this man."  I don't think that thought came from me, because it happened very suddenly, and I just KNEW it was true.  My friend MAN (those are her initials lol) and I often say that truth resonates, and that's what happened when I thought that.  I wish I could explain what I mean when I say I just KNEW, because that seems to happen to me a lot (sometimes I say to my husband, "I don't know how I know, I just know things!" lol), but I can't.  

But at that point, I was "in too deep", and I kind of brushed the thought off.  So late that August, I set off for the convent.  As you know if you read my religious life posts, I left a few months later.  When I went to get into the van, Boomz was waiting there for me!  My mom had called him, and even though I said that I didn't want him to come along (I thought it would look bad), he didn't listen. lol  When I saw him, I was completely shocked, so the first thing I did was smack him on the chest and said, "You're so dumb!".  lol

After I left, Boomz and I talked on the phone or texted pretty much constantly.  As I wasn't allowed to write him letters while I was in the convent, we had A LOT of catching up to do!  Rumors were swirling around our group of friends because I hadn't come out and told people that I had left (I was scared of being judged, since I had made such a big deal out of going to the convent.  Sigh.), which made me withdraw (true to my phlegmatic-sanguine self), and cause MORE rumors about Boomz and I.  I still have trust issues due to all of that.  Anyway, people were scandalized that we were spending so much time together (He lived 3.5 hours away from me at the time, so he drove to my parent's house every weekend to spend time with me).  I, however, was sure that I was going to marry him, and kept saying to people, "Hey, if you know, you know".  :)  Most people felt we were going too fast, but by the end of April, we were engaged. :) 

 (This picture does not do it justice-Boomz did such a good job!)

Oh, btw, we never actually went on a "first date".  Our relationship just kind of naturally progressed from friendship to...more than friends.  It was wonderful! :)

Anyway, he proposed to me in the Adoration chapel of his parish church the first weekend I actually plucked up the courage to drive to his house (It was the farthest I've ever driven by myself. lol  I'm from a teeny tiny town-the interstate scared me!).  When we got there, there was another woman there, so we sat and prayed silently for awhile.  He had told me that he wanted to read a letter to me in the chapel, but I was getting impatient (we were going to Out.back afterwards lol), and told him he could just read it to me laterHe insisted on waiting, and when the lady left, he went out to the car to get the letter.  At that point, I suspected that he was going to propose, but wouldn't let myself believe it.  Well, I was right! :) :)  He was so cute as he was reading, he was shaking so much! Here's the engagement letter:

How deeply contented and at peace am I, darling, when I consider us together!  I can think of no other path in life down which I could travel where I would be as happy, fulfilled, joyful, proud, and whole as I have been traveling the path of life with you since we met.  At a time in my life when I doubted things like commitment, fidelity, compatibility, honesty, trustworthiness, even love-you came: a beacon shining brightly the love of Christ and began to restore my faith in those things which I thought I would never believe in again.  Now, more than a year later, I have fallen more deeply in love with you than I could have ever thought possible.  Your love of Our Lord, my beloved, has truly always been abundantly evident in all you say and do.  I could ask for nothing more than to have such a beautiful model and inspiration as you are in what it means to love not only Christ, but also His Mother, His Church, and all His people.  You have taught me much about love, patience, humility, kindness, gentleness-the list goes on.  I still have much to learn, it's true, but I look so forward to learning and growing with you!  The two of us, it could be said, are as different as night and day; there is some truth to this, I'll admit.  However, I believe wholeheartedly that we complement and complete each other in such a beautiful, perfect way that it can only have been in the plan of Our Creator that we would unite and help spur each other on toward holiness, righteousness, virtue, and love.  It is inspired by this belief-that we are perfect for each other and, apart from you, nothing makes sense-and through much prayer that I have come to know in my heart that we should spend the rest of our lives together.  And so, I could think of no better place to ask you to be my wife, beloved, than in the peace and silence which the Presence our Eucharistic Lord brings, so that my petition to you might also serve as a prayer and petition to Him such that He Who is Grace might shower upon us, through His and Our Mother, Mary, all the grace we need to begin our life together.  

Truly yours always,

Part III to come! :)

Real quick...

...before I start writing the courtship post.  Please pray for my husband and his job situation.  His company has placed him in a not-so-good school (examples: a gun got stolen from a teacher's car by some students the other day, and today 15 cops and 5 dogs showed up), and tomorrow he has to go to an inner city school to get acquainted the system before the guy there goes on vacation.  It might not be a big deal, but there are shootings or stabbings or something pretty much every day downtown, so I'm worried. :)  So, yeah...please pray for his safety!  And that he'll be placed in a nicer school soon!  Thank you!

Our "Courtship" pt. I

A few days ago, when I wrote about my fake religious vocation, a commenter suggested I write about my husband's and my courtship, which I think is a great idea! :)  It's kind of confusing, and not exactly...normal, but I'll give it my best shot.  Hopefully, y'all aren't scandalized! ;)

My husband and I met my freshman (his junior) year of college at a Catholic youth group.  At the time, he was an Evangelical Protestant trying to save all of us Catholics from going to hell, and I was a cradle Catholic who was just starting to learn about the Faith.  I don't really remember interacting with him much that year, but I knew he wasn't Catholic and was really confused about why he was there. lol  I was also super intimidated by him because he seemed very blunt (something I am definitely NOT) and extremely smart.  He was told by a mutual friend (a Catholic who brought him to the youth group) that I was "the one who looks like a Ba.rbie doll" and he thought I was "too bubbly". lol  In the meantime, I was discerning a religious vocation and being BFF with a different Italian boy in our youth group. :)

Fast forward to sophomore year, and Boomz is in the RCIA program at our university parish (haha!), and I'm pretty much in love with religious life and somewhat infatuated with Other Italian Boy.  Upon discerning that I was NOT supposed to be with Other Italian Boy (he's now in seminary!), I set my sights on religious life.  One of my first interactions with Boomz that year was when I brought an agnostic friend that I met in my astronomy class to a get-together at the university parish.  At one point, Boomz looked at me and said, "You know he's in love with you, right?". lol  I didn't believe him (I am SO BAD at noticing these things), but later I realized he was right and it gave us something to talk about.  Anyway, as I still thought I had a religious vocation, I got my application papers, and then, true to my nature, procrastinated. :)  Two months later, I finally decided to start on my papers in the lounge at our parish where a lot of students hung out.  I was alone and totally overwhelmed when Boomz walked in.  He quoted some Scripture (Phil. 4:6) to help calm my fears, and we talked for a long time.  After this interaction, I would find myself making excuses to sit around in the lounge, hoping he'd be there or stop in. lol  

When our youth group went to the March for Life that year, Boomz and I got put into the same group (our youth group would split into several groups and walk around D.C. a couple nights before the actual March), and for some reason, I found myself being very excited about that!  I got to have some good conversations with him, and we walked around and sang songs from Wi.cked together.  :)  By this time, I think I had a full-blown crush on him, but was in total denial.  

For the rest of the year, he would help me set doctor appointments for my application, provide the emotional support I wasn't getting at home (my parents were completely against me going to the convent), and become my best friend.  He'd come over to my apartment and we'd do homework, watch movies, and drink coffee until very late at night (much to the chagrin of my roommates...oops.), and I would go over to his place and attempt to do homework while he and his buddies played video games. lol  I realize that our attachment was probably inappropriate since I was entering the convent, but I see now that God was nudging me toward marrying Boomz even then, although at the time I thought that was the devil tempting me. :)  There are probably so many things wrong grammatically in that sentence-oh well. lol  Anyway, although he was in love with me, he sacrificed himself and his desires to help me enter the convent, which made my love and appreciation for him deepen (although I was mostly still in denial lol).

I'll write the next part later today or tomorrow! :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Confirmation/Pants/Temperaments/Sauce/Pimples/Numb Face

-Thank you all so much for the advice about being my brother's Confirmation sponsor!  I've decided to sponsor him, and I'm getting pretty excited to teach him about our beautiful faith!  He had to pick his patron saint today (He decided RIGHT before the meeting. Sigh.), so last night I sent him information on all sorts of amazing saints.  I tried to think of saints that he'd find interesting, so I sent him St. Sebastian, who was a captain of the Roman army and was martryed, St. Tarcisius, an acolyte in ancient Rome who, when he didn't let an angry pagan mob see/handle the Blessed Sacrament, was beaten to death, St. Ignatius of Loyola, a knight-turned-priest, St. Pio of Pietrelcina, a friar that had the stigmata and could read souls, Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, a Third Order Dominican (yay!) who loved the poor and died of polio when he was 24, and St. Joseph. :)  Wow, that was a really long sentence.  Anyway, he chose St. Joseph, which was no surprise because my family just sees it as adding another part to your name.  However, I told him that since he chose St. Joseph, he's supposed to try to model himself after him, and I gave him a list of virtues that St. Joseph exemplified.  Bubby said he'll ask St. Joseph to pray for him every day and try very hard to be like him. :)  I have big hopes for that kid!

-I saw a man wearing purple corduroy pants today at Mass!  It was awesome! lol

-A few years ago, the four temperaments (choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic, sanguine) were all the rage among my friends , and we were always trying to figure out which temperament our friends had.  I'm a phlegmatic-sanguine and my husband is a choleric-melancholic (COMPLETE opposites lol). I would love to see which temperament you all have!  I've already tried to guess a few of yours...we'll see if I'm right! lol  Here's a great website with more information (You have to sign up to take the free test.).  Yay!  I'm so excited! :) 

-My husband is a bone fide Eye-talian (my whole family pronounces Italian this way-it drives him crazy! lol), and last night he made spaghetti sauce from a super old family recipe.  He made 3.5 gallons of it (we cut it down from 12 gallons!), and we plan on giving some to his siblings for Christmas!  Boomz did a wonderful job with it; it was delicious! :)  He kept telling me, "It's a meat sauce, not a tomato sauce," which I didn't really understand until I ate it.  It has pork AND beef and carrots, celery, garlic, tomatoes (obviously lol), onions, and a million other things, and it was amazing!  Thank you for making it, honey! :)

-I have a hormone-related question.  When I was younger, I had great skin.  I never really broke out, and if I did, it was like one pimple and it would go away pretty quickly.  Now, I get giant pimples (sorry, this is kind of gross lol) that won't go away.  I've even resorted to popping them, which I never used to do.  Also, I have a ton of bumps on my forehead, which is really oily while the rest of my face is super dry.  Could being on estrogen/progesterone be doing this?  It's really annoying-I feel like a thirteen year old! lol  

-I've also been having scary chest pains off and on every day for a little over a week.  Sometimes it's like a sudden stabbing to the left of my sternum when I inhale, but most of the time it's almost like a cramping.  I had an EKG done a few years ago when I started having chest tightening (the pains I've been having lately feel different, though), and the doctor said I have an arrhythmia.  He said that normal hearts go bump, BUMP, bump, BUMP, but my stupid heart goes bump, bump-bump, bump, bump-bump.  Does anybody know if my arrhythmia be causing the chest pains?  Also, for the last two days or so, the left side of my face has had a dull sensation...I don't really know how to explain it other than I don't FEEL as much as I should be.  For example, if I pinch it, it doesn't hurt as much as it should.  I can move it fine and there's no difference in movement between the left and right sides.  I've had this before (it started in January 2009 and happens every once and awhile), and a doctor who was there while it was happening said it sounded like an allergic reaction.  At the time, I thought it was the cats who were in the house (we were visiting friends), but right now I'm at home and I don't know what it could be.  Sigh.  I'm so messed up. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Advice needed

Last week, my little brother asked me to be his Confirmation sponser.  My first reaction was "YAY!!" because I was secretely hoping he'd ask me.  However, my husband pointed out that if I say yes, that means I'm responsible for making sure he's ready for the sacrament (I know, duh, right? lol).  If he's not, that means I have to let the priest know.  This is problematic because my family doesn't really practice their faith.  I mean, my brother (I'll call him Bubby. lol) goes to CCD, but they don't go to Mass or Confession, and they know almost nothing about Catholicism.  For example, I asked my dad one time if he knew why we genuflect when we enter a pew, and he said he had no idea.  So, in order for Bubby to be ready for the sacrament, he'd have to go to Confession and then attend Mass every Sunday.  There are two problems with this: 1) I live 3.5 hours away so I'd have a hard time enforcing my "rules", and 2) I hate being confrontational. lol  I COULD just be like, "Sorry, Bubs, I'm too far away!", but I'm the only one in our family (even our extended family) that knows anything about the faith, so I'm afraid that I'm the only one that could properly prepare him (I know that sounds really, really prideful, but I don't mean it to be at all).  What do y'all think I should do?  I've been thinking about it for about a week and I'm still unsure of what to do. :(

Friday, November 12, 2010

Facebook-Induced Breakdown

When I first started reading the IF blogs, I didn't understand why people were so bothered by reading Facebook news feeds.  Well, that must have been because nobody I knew was pregnant at the time, because now I understand. :) I saw this facebook status from a "friend" I haven't talked to in a few years:

"I cannot wait until 7:30 AM on January 10th to meet little Mr. ___.   This cannot come soon enough! I do, however, love feeling him wiggle around and kicking. :) I will miss it..."

One of her friends then commented: "I love being pregnant but man my body is killing.  Play dates?!"

Then I saw on another "friend's" facebook: "I should find out if it's a boy or a girl in 2 weeks!  I'm 4 1/2 months along!"

At first, these things didn't even bother me!  I was even happy for the second lady (I've known about the first woman's pregnancy for awhile)!  But later on, when other stupid things were happening to remind me that I'm not normal, I had a complete breakdown.  An ugly one, too.  Usually my breakdowns consist of a quivery chin and some silent crying, but this one was more like loudly sobbing into my husband's chest.  I was having another one of my "But it's not fair!" moments (they're both unmarried).  Why can't I just be normal?  Why do I have hot flashes when I'm only in my early 20's?  Why can't doctors figure me out?  Why do other women (WHO DON'T EVEN WANT KIDS) get pregnant just by touching a man?  I might not ever get to feel a baby wiggling around inside of me. I might not ever get to have play dates. I might not get to go through morning sickness and back pain for my baby.  UGH!  

My wonderful husband was soothing me the whole time, reminding me that this would be a great opportunity to offer my pain up, and that "Every one to whom much is given, of him will much be required" (Luke 12:48-RSV).  He reminded me that although all of those people have a baby, they don't know God (no judgment-just fact).  They get to be pregnant but they don't have the privilege to recieve Jesus in the Holy Eucharist.  While he was talking with me, I realized that I want God's will...but only if that will has a baby in store for me.  IF is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  It's much, much more difficult than leaving Boomz for the convent, or leaving the convent for Boomz.  It's much harder to accept IF as God's will, much harder to practice detachment, and much harder to not get discouraged.  Tonight made me realize how much I've been relying on my own strength--and it's not working.  

Not one bit. :(

Thursday, November 11, 2010


I just want to say thank you all for reading my religious life posts!  I must admit, I'm a bit starstruck seeing all of these women I've admired for so long comment!  :)  You all are such a blessing!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

My Fake Religious Vocation Pt. IV

As much as I loved the beauty and peace that came with living in the convent, I was also coming to realize that religious life was not for me.  As much as I loved the sisters, I just did not "fit in" there.  I'm very physically affectionate, and that was (obviously) not allowed very often, the sisters are extremely competitive and athletic, and I'm definitely not.  I know that sounds like such a little thing, but the sisters said that "fitting in" is part of knowing you have a vocation to that community (I'm paraphrasing there).  I was EXTREMELY lonely.  I would get letters from home and curl up in a fetal position on the floor of my cell and just sob.  That sound super dramatic, but it's true.  My health was also going down the drain (honestly I don't think I've recovered).  I was being worked harder there than I ever had before, and I was losing weight.  I think I got down to 111 lbs (being 5'8", it's not a good place to be).  I was also having, um...digestive issues about every other day and had to ask permission to stay out of class in case I had an...episode. lol  My hot flashes were getting more frequent and more intense (to the point where I almost passed out or had to sit down during prayers), and my legs would suddenly go numb-ish and heavy.  I was very, very worried about myself.  Oh, and my hair was also falling out. :)  I got blood tests done, and my FSH and LH levels were crazy (my FSH was 151.).  

At some point, I decided to read Litt.le Wom.en (for the millionth time-it's my favorite book ever).  While I was reading, I couldn't stop thinking, "I want that!  I want to be Marmee!  I want to serve God through a husband!"  I tried to shove it to the back of my head, but it wouldn't leave.  I mean, at this point, I'd already had an inkling (I love that word) that I didn't have a religious vocation, but I was scared to leave.  I was afraid that I could never be holy living in the world.  During the rosary on Thanksgiving day, I was meditating (I can't remember if it was on the hidden life of Jesus and Mary at Nazareth or the Nativity...either way I know it wasn't the Luminous Mysteries like I was supposed to. lol) and all of a sudden, I just KNEW I was supposed to be married.  I really don't know how to explain what happened in my soul, other than suddenly, I just knew I was supposed to be married to Boomz. :)  A huge wave of peace washed over me, and I told my superior at my next conference with her (we had a scheduled meeting with our superior once a week for some spiritual direction).  She agreed that I didn't "have a vocation" (I hate that phrase-married life is a vocation too!), but asked me to think and pray about it for another week, just to be sure.  Well, a week passed and nothing had changed, so I prepared to leave.  I called my mother at work, and her reaction was so funny.  She said, "Are you serious?!  Are you serious?!"  and just broke down sobbing.  I don't really understand why I think that's funny, but I do. lol

I wasn't allowed to tell any of the other sisters until right before I left (except the first year professed sisters, since I wouldn't have a chance to talk to them the next morning), so I had to act like nothing was wrong the whole morning, which was really difficult.  I cried so, so hard saying goodbye to my postulants.  All of us had grown very close.  For some reason the goodbye I remember most was with Sr. S.ophia, a Cajun novice.  I kind of saw her like my big sister-she was so smart and funny and scrappy, and we had great talks about politics and saints. :)  Anyway, after I said goodbye, I went back to my cell and changed into the clothes I had worn when I entered the convent.  I had kept them to give to my family on Visiting Day, but forgot.  It felt SO WEIRD wearing jeans for the first time in months!  I really, really hated it, to be honest.  I told myself I would wear skirts for the rest of my life (yeah, that lasted like one day lol)!  I met my family in the chapel, and left in a huge ball of emotions.  I was weirdly mad, happy, and very sad all at the same time.  However, in my soul was the most profound peace I've ever, ever experienced, and it lasted for two weeks.  I knew I had done the right thing. :)

P.S.  This is the closest to the version of the Salve Regina that the sisters chant that I can find. :)  It's a little different, especially since it's men singing it. lol :)

My Fake Religious Vocation Pt. III

I forgot to write about a few things about convent life! 

"My" sisters are "semi-cloistered".  That means that portions of the house are off-limits to visitors.  The refectory (dining room), the cells, the library, and the whole novitiate (among other rooms) were cloistered.  There were also "places of silence": the chapel (obviously), the De Profundis hall (there were Stations of the Cross hung there, along with verses from the Bible about Jesus' sufferings.  We also prayed prayers for the dead before supper there), the cells and the hallways that contained them, the stairwells, the bathrooms, and the refectory (that's all I can remember for now). 

I can't believe I forgot to write about permissions and penances!  If you recieved a gift in the mail from somebody (my family sent me a new journal, for example), you had to go to your superior as soon as possible to ask for permission to keep it.  If you did something wrong (broke something, were late for prayers, etc.), you had to ask your superior for a penance.  It was usually something like a decade of the rosary, a few Hail Marys, or a Divine Mercy Chaplet.  I had to do this a lot. :( lol

The sisters had a lot of land, and throughout the woods there were little shrines! :)  One was to Our Lady of Czestochowa (one of the foundresses is Polish, so the community has a great devotion to her), another to the Holy Trinity (it was a beautiful icon), one to Our Lady of Grace, and another we called Calvary, because we had to climb a hill to get to it. :)  

Etiquette was very important to convent life, especially in the refectory.  The postulants had to learn not to "hug your mug", the proper way to eat soup and cereal, the right way to hold a knife and fork, how to cut your meat, how to eat bread (break off a piece or two, and butter only those pieces), etc.  We also had to learn to keep "custody of the eyes", which means during silent meals we had to keep our eyes on our own plate, so as to not distract our fellow sisters.  

Ahh, I could go on and on!  Tomorrow I'll post why I left the convent. :) 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My Fake Religious Vocation Pt. II

Life in the convent is very busy, and varies from day to day, but I'll try to give a good description!  I also don't remember every single detail of the schedule anymore. Warning-this will probably be a very, very long post. lol

Each of us had our own little room called a "cell" (which comes from the Latin word for Heaven-caeli) which was pretty small, but contained a closet, dresser, a desk, a bed, a nightstand, and a rocking chair (which I loved SO MUCH).  In each cell was a picture of Our Lady (mine was of Mary following Jesus while He's carrying the cross) and a crucifix.  We were allowed one pillow, one thin blanket, and a thicker one if it got too cold.  The window had shutters on the inside that you shut at night and opened in the morning; mine faced the woods and I had SUCH a beautiful view in the fall!

The sisters wake up at 5 in the morning and have to be in chapel at 5:25 (it might have been 5:30, I can't remember).  We were silent until Mother started prayers.  We prayed the Morning Offering, the Angelus, and renewed our consecration to Our Lady (not necessarily in that order, and there might have been more lol), and then prayed the Office of Readings for that day.  After the Office of Readings, we had half an hour of meditation (all of this is in front of the exposed Blessed Sacrament), and then Morning Prayer and Holy Mass.  After Mass, if you didn't have breakfast duties, you had time for silent thanksgiving.  If you DID have breakfast duties, you left right away and started getting breakfast ready for the rest of the sisters.  

Meals (and most of the day) were usually silent , unless it was a sister's feast day or some other big feast day.  While the rest of us ate silently, a sister read out loud. :)  During breakfast, some news was read to us, but during lunch and supper we were read to from a book.  When I first entered, we were reading Treasure in Clay by Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. :)  Being read to during meals is one of the biggest things I miss about the convent.  It was really heavenly. 

After breakfast, the postulants and novices cleaned up and the professed sisters went to teach or to their college classes (the sisters are teachers).  Then we started on our household duties.  I got SO lucky with my household duty.  I was a chapel cleaner!  EVERYONE wanted to be chapel cleaner because you got to spend extra time with Jesus.  

After duties, the postulants and novices had classes right in the novitiate.  My superior taught most of our classes, and they were excellent!  We took Catechism of the Catholic Church, Vatican II Documents, Convent Living, Dominican Spirituality, Choir, Sacred Scripture (my favorite class-it was taught by a bishop!), and a class that I can't remember the name of but it had something to do with being a catechist. :)  Of course, we didn't have all of these classes in one day. :) We had a (much-needed) coffee break at some point, and then had Afternoon Prayer and lunch.  After lunch and cleaning up, we chanted the Litany of Loreto in Latin (that was one of my favorite times of the day-it was so beautiful) and prayed our first rosary.  

After the rosary, we had recreation! :)  We took long walks, played ultimate frisbee, soccer, lacrosse, and other games I can't remember.  Recreation was often a great time to offer things up, because I hate running and I hate soccer. :)  After recreation I think we had free time (again, I'm getting a little fuzzy on the details of the schedule) to do homework, finish our duties, or get supper ready.  

At 4:30 we had spiritual reading in the chapel, then Evening Prayer and the rosary.  By this time all of the sisters were home. :)  The postulants cooking that evening had to leave during the 3rd decade of the rosary (they made up the rest on their own later), and then we ate supper.  The fact that we had a supper on the table every night was seriously a miracle. lol  5 inexperienced postulants cooking IN SILENCE for 80+ women...it's a recipe for chaos.  

While the sisters who had kitchen duties that week cleaned, the rest of the novitiate would fold the laundry and chat.  There were VERY SPECIFIC ways to fold things, and if you had one of the superior's clothes, you had to be SURE they were perfect.  I was always really intimidated by that.  Anyway, after kitchen duties, we had evening recreation, which was usually a game of some kind.  Sometimes we had "Be Nights", when we got out some kind of project we were working on (some sisters sewed, some made rosaries, I journaled) while a sister read "Ann.e of Gree.n Ga.bles" to us.  My favorite game to play was C.lue-I even beat my superior once!  Oh my goodness, I was so excited. lol  

After recreation was Compline, or Night Prayer, and the procession to Our Lady.  We chanted the Salve Regina (it's so beautiful...ugh I miss that!) and a prayer to St. Dominic.  After that, the novitiate had Study Hall for an hour.  You had to do your homework or an independent study.  By this time, it was very, very hard to stay awake.  Study Hall was over at 9:15, so I would practically run to get a quick shower in before bed.  I would read in bed for a half an hour or so, and made sure my light was out by 10:00. :)  Between 9:15 and 10:00, a sister went to every cell and sprinkled the door with holy water, whispering, "Ave Maria", and if you heard her, you were to whisper, "Gratia plena!"  

I will be extremely surprised if anyone gets to the end of this post. lol  Sorry it's so long and poorly written!

My Fake Religious Vocation

Early into my freshman year of college, my youth group (I hesitate to call it that because it was more like an apologetics group...I don't know what to call it. lol) brought the Dom.inican Sist.ers of Mary, Mo.ther of the Eucharist to campus for dinner and a talk on religious life.  I was instantly intrigued, because I didn't know people still "did that"!  At this point, I didn't know much about my faith, but I was learning and falling in love with it.  Anyway, when I saw the sisters, I was SO excited!  They wore full habits!  They had giant rosaries attached to their belts!  To top it off, they were young and hilarious!  I wanted to know everything I could about religious life, so I talked to Sr. Thoma.s Aqui.nas and she invited me to a retreat in November.  At first, I was definitely not going to go, but when the time came some of my friends that were going convinced me to go, so I did.  

Oh my goodness, when I got there, I was captivated by the sisters!  I never wanted to leave.  They were so full of joy and obviously in love with their Spouse.  I think I cried when the retreat was over, and I couldn't wait to go back in May.  It wasn't long before I was convinced I had a religious vocation, and the vocation director thought the same. 

So this post isn't a million years long, I'll fast forward.  In November of my sophomore year of college, I went on another retreat with the sisters, and this time I got my "papers".  I was determined to enter the next August!  Well, my parents were very, very unhappy (they're non-practicing Catholics), I had my student loans to deal with, and I was fast falling in love with a certain man nicknamed Boomz, so things were extremely difficult for me.  That year my family's house was also destroyed in a flood so they had to live in a camper in my aunt's driveway, my dad got into a car accident which should have killed him (he was out of work for months), and sister's eating disorder was popping up again.  It was an awful year, but I was so in love with Jesus, and I wanted to belong to Him alone (I didn't really know that married people could too, just in a different way :) ).  

Well, with much help from my now-husband, I entered the convent on August 28th-the Feast of St. Augustine (the sisters follow the Rule of St. Augustine)-with 11 other girls.  :)  My dad was crying because he was so unhappy, but I was in my choir stall at the front of the chapel in my postulant jumper and crying tears of joy.  I repeated the words St. Therese said when she entered Carmel, "I am here forever now" in my head.  I thought I was home. Obviously, God had other plans! :)

I'll write about how I left and about what life in the convent is like tomorrow (or later today if I have time)!

P.S. The sisters hold a retreat for mothers every year as well, in case any of you are interested! :)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Patron Saint!

My patron saint for the coming liturgical year is Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur!  I can't find very much on her, but what I did find made me fall in love with her!  Get this-she was infertile!  Her husband was an atheist and made fun of her for her piety, but she stayed firm in her faith.  She also was sickly most of her life (just like me!) and offered up all of her sufferings for her husband.  She died of breast cancer, and after her death, her husband found a note written by her, "In 1905, I asked almighty God to send me sufficient sufferings to purchase your soul. On the day that I die, the price will have been paid. Greater love than this no woman has than she who lay down her life for her husband."  Well, he ended up converting and becoming a Dominican priest!  My new patron is amazing!

Here's a quote from her:
"I know by experience that in hours of trial certain graces are obtained for others that all our efforts had not previously obtained. I have thus concluded that suffering is the higher form of action, the best expression in the wonderful communion of saints. . . . Through it God consents to accomplish everything. Suffering helps Christ to save the world and souls. When I am overwhelmed by the immensity of my desires for those I love, . . . it is toward suffering that I turn. It is through suffering that I ask to be allowed to serve as an intermediary between God and souls. It is the perfect form of prayer, the only infallible form of action. "

P.S. All my information is from Wikipedia, so hopefully it's accurate! :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I'm a Crazy Person

In "real life" I am PAINFULLY shy.  I don't really like talking about myself because I don't think I'm very interesting and I don't really understand why people would care about my life (this was one of the reasons I had a "therapy session").  Because of this, I have a hard time making/keeping friends.  In college, I had some good girl friends that I lived with, but since I've married and moved away, we've drifted apart.  I mean, most of them live two or more hours away, and they aren't married (or infertile), so I feel like I'm in a different state of life than they they are.  I don't really call them because I secretly think, "Why?  They're not going to care anyway."  When I DO see them at weddings and things, I'm genuinely happy to see them, but the conversation is very superficial.  

Well, recently I've realized this extends to the blog world as well (yay, there's no end to my insecurity!).  I won't comment on more popular IF blogs because I'm afraid they're going to think, "Who in the heck is this person and why are they commenting?"  If I DO muster up the courage to comment, I try to keep it short and not talk about myself too much.  Ahh, I make it sound like I think these women are awful people, but really, it's the opposite!  I think I'M too boring or stupid to talk to these amazing women.  I promise I'm not trying to throw a pity party for myself, I just need to get this all out.  It helps to see all my crazy on paper...er...screen.

Well.  I'm going to go sit in my padded room now.


Last night my husband and I went to see his baby niece who was staying at her grandma's (R's mom) for the night.  L is two, and the most adorable little girl in the world!  She has big blue eyes and natural Shirley Temple blonde curls.  Her personality is really showing through now-she's such a ham!  At one point we were kneeling down near the sliding glass doors, looking at the snow, and she suddenly started playing with my hair!  She wasn't messing it up, but actually trying to smooth it out and arrange it!  Then she tried to adjust my collar on my coat and button me up!  Oh my goodness, it was the cutest thing ever.  She also insisted on peeling an orange (actually, I think it was one of those Clementine things) by herself, and giving me every teeny peace she peeled.  Ahh, she is SO CUTE! :)  I'm pretty sure she knows it, too!  Maybe someday I'll post pictures.  

At one point, though, she was running away from R (we don't see her very often, so she's pretty scared of him :) ), and she ran to me and grabbed my legs, saying, "Mommy!"  Sigh.  My heart just broke.  I said to her, "I'm not your mommy, silly!"  But wow, it hurt my heart to hear a little voice call me that.  I mean, it mostly hurt because of my IF, but also because L and her mom don't get along very well (isn't that awful? She's only two!) and I think she craves motherly love.  I get really upset if I think about it for too long...ugh. 

Saturday, November 6, 2010

First Snow of the Year!

There's something about the first snow of the year that turns me into a little kid. :)  I woke up this morning and the first thing I noticed were the giant, fat flakes falling from the sky.  Instantly, I got super excited, decided it was going to be a great day, and made myself a cup of tea.  Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (is that the name of the song?  I've always called it that, but I don't know if that's the actual name!) is playing in my head and I'm having romantic day dreams of baking Christmas cookies and cuddling near a fireplace with a good book.  Unfortunately, we don't have a fireplace, I'm horrible at baking, and I know after a month or so of the snow I'll be dreadfully tired of it. :)  Ahh, I'll just enjoy it for now and not think of the six freezing months ahead!  Yay! :)


Friday, November 5, 2010


Sigh.  Turns out I DID get my hopes up, because CD1 is here and I had a bit of a breakdown.  I started crying and immediately poured myself a glass of merlot (I had been staying away from alcohol just in case...so yeah.  Definitely had my hopes up. lol).  My husband just told me to have patience and hugged me for a long time.  I can't help worrying that this month was my only chance.

And, of course, now it seems like babies are everwhere!  My husband and I were watching Ameri.ca's Funnie.st Hom.e Vide.os, and there was a woman laying in bed with her quadruplets and the babies were all laughing (it was the cutest thing ever), and then there was a segment with little baby boys peeing everywhere (including a birth scene), and a segment of toddlers and little kids getting stuck in things...  

Oh well.  I'm trying to keep a positive attitude. :)  I have a God and a husband who love me, and we'll just try again this month! 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Cycle Day 36...

...and 12 days post-peak.  I'm desperately trying not to get my hopes up. I know I'm just going to be disappointed.  CD1 is either going to come in the next couple of days, or I'll skip my period this month and not be pregnant.  I'm not going to let myself get my hopes up. 

I don't understand how it's so easy for some women to get pregnant.  During one doctor's visit, my doctor told me he knows a woman who got pregnant in college without even having "relations".  She was just fooling around with some guy and got pregnant!  I don't understand.  I know I sound like a huge baby saying this, but it's not fair!  Sometimes I just want to scream out of frustration.  I don't know how so many of you (amazing) women got through years of IF...I'm a big wimp. 

My husband's brother's baby mama (got that?) is pregnant AGAIN, this time with a baby boy (they have a 2 year old girl).  I'm trying so, so hard to be happy for them.  It's really difficult to not be bitter.  I think awful things like, "But they don't have a steady income!  Their car just got repossesed!  They're not married!  They can barely take care of one baby!  They use contraception!  Why can THEY get pregnant and not us?".  I know that nobody has a RIGHT to a child, but I think these things anyway. 

Sigh. I'm a horrible person.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I'm Really Bad at Thinking of Titles

I am super excited about the election results in Ohio! :)  We have a Republican Governor, a Republican Senator, AND the new Speaker of the House is from Ohio!  I'm so, so happy Nancy Pelosi is outta there (my mother-in-law calls her Pelousy! lol).  I sure hope they all live up to our expectations!

I have a couple prayer requests if anyone out there is reading. :)  My dad just got out of surgery for a hernia so if y'all could pray for a quick recovery, that would be great!  Could you also pray for my husband?  He's really hating his new job. :(  He's also taking 15 credit hours worth of classes online and can barely keep up with everything.  He's so stressed, and my heart just breaks for him.  Sigh.  I wish I could help somehow.

The last two nights I've had disturbing dreams about my legs being really hairy.  I mean worse-than-man-legs hairy!  They are so weird...It's like I have somewhere REALLY IMPORTANT to go to and I have to wear a dress/skirt when I get there I realize I have hairy man legs! lol  I spend the rest of the dream trying to find some way to hide or cover my legs.  And last night Abe.d from the show Commu.nity was somehow involvedSO weird!

The prickly feelings aren't so bad right now! :)  When I woke up this morning my fingers were numb, which was scary, but they're fine now.  I'm trying to keep calm about the whole deal, but it's not working too well. lol

I'm realizing that many of my posts don't have a theme-they're just random things on my mind.  I hope that's not annoying!  

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Health Update/Freaking Out

Well, these prickly feelings continue and they're really freaking me out.  I feel them in all of my limbs, but my right leg is by far the worst.  It almost feels heavy, and last night I was convinced it was going to fall off in my sleep. lol  I was also extremely dizzy yesterday, and food, rest, and water did not help.  Sometimes I was okay if I was standing, but sitting or laying down (especially if I moved my head) was awful.  My husband thinks it's my back since I have scoliosis and my right leg is shorter than my left.  Anyone out there know if that could be the case?  We can't do anything about it anyway because we don't have health insurance right now. :( I'm scared...I've never had this happen to me before.  

Cyclewise, we're on day 34.  I told my mom and she pretty much told me to take a pregnancy test, but long cycles are not abnormal for me-a couple months ago I had a 33 day cycle.  Also, we're only ten days post-luteal (if I actually ovulated...my NaPro doctor isn't sure that's happening).  So, I'm not getting my hopes up! :)

Other than that, I'm expecting today to be wonderful! :)  I've got lots of laundry to fold (I'm weird, I actually love folding), today is All Souls Day, and I'm going to go VOTE!

May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Does anyone else have a love/hate relationship with the His.tory Channel?  I'm watching something called "The Gat.es of Hel.l", which talks about how religions throughout history viewed Hell and where exactly it was.  Well, it keeps saying ridiculous things about Christianity, such as (I'm paraphrasing a bit here), "The further Christianity progressed, the more sadistic the descriptions became.  People who call them Christian pornography are not far off the mark".  WHAT?!  Who says that?  Do you think Christians get PLEASURE out of hearing how people go to Hell?  They also said, "A journey into Hell few people know about is the journey of Jesus".  Then they go on to talk about how Jesus went to Hell after His death and took a few souls away from the devil.  Again...WHAT?!  First of all, Jesus didn't descend into actual Hell.  He descended to the Limbo of the Just, where the good were waiting for the gates of Heaven to be opened by Jesus.  Secondly, "a journey FEW people know about"?  How about the WHOLE CATHOLIC CHURCH?  Dumb.  Dumb.  Dumb.  They're also suggesting that Dante's Infer.no is how all Christians see Hell.  Um, no.  The Inf.erno is a POEM, just like The D.a Vi.nci Code is just a STORY.  UGH!  They just said that Purgatory is "the upper chamber of Hell"!  I can't stand how many things they get wrong about Christianity (and Catholicism, more particularly).  Sigh.

"Therapy" Session

So, yesterday I met with a friend/mentor/spiritual mother for a nice long chat about my numerous insecurities.  It went really well and I'll be putting some of her suggestions to use today!

 She did, however, say something that bothered me a little.  We were talking about my desire for children and she told me to have patience and not "arm-twist God".  She said maybe God thinks I'm not ready yet, but if I continue to "arm-twist" Him, He'll give me a baby even if I'm not ready.  I know she means well, but is this really how God works?  I thought He would only allow us to get pregnant if it were His will...

In other news, last night and all morning I've been getting weird prickly feelings all over my body.  It's kind of freaking me out...does anybody know what that could be?  Also, my husband starts his new job today, so please pray for him! :)  

Happy Solemnity of All Saints! As Mother Assumpta Long, O.P. says, this should be our feast day someday! :)