"I cannot wait until 7:30 AM on January 10th to meet little Mr. ___. This cannot come soon enough! I do, however, love feeling him wiggle around and kicking. :) I will miss it..."
One of her friends then commented: "I love being pregnant but man my body is killing. Play dates?!"
Then I saw on another "friend's" facebook: "I should find out if it's a boy or a girl in 2 weeks! I'm 4 1/2 months along!"
At first, these things didn't even bother me! I was even happy for the second lady (I've known about the first woman's pregnancy for awhile)! But later on, when other stupid things were happening to remind me that I'm not normal, I had a complete breakdown. An ugly one, too. Usually my breakdowns consist of a quivery chin and some silent crying, but this one was more like loudly sobbing into my husband's chest. I was having another one of my "But it's not fair!" moments (they're both unmarried). Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have hot flashes when I'm only in my early 20's? Why can't doctors figure me out? Why do other women (WHO DON'T EVEN WANT KIDS) get pregnant just by touching a man? I might not ever get to feel a baby wiggling around inside of me. I might not ever get to have play dates. I might not get to go through morning sickness and back pain for my baby. UGH!
My wonderful husband was soothing me the whole time, reminding me that this would be a great opportunity to offer my pain up, and that "Every one to whom much is given, of him will much be required" (Luke 12:48-RSV). He reminded me that although all of those people have a baby, they don't know God (no judgment-just fact). They get to be pregnant but they don't have the privilege to recieve Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. While he was talking with me, I realized that I want God's will...but only if that will has a baby in store for me. IF is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It's much, much more difficult than leaving Boomz for the convent, or leaving the convent for Boomz. It's much harder to accept IF as God's will, much harder to practice detachment, and much harder to not get discouraged. Tonight made me realize how much I've been relying on my own strength--and it's not working.
Not one bit. :(