Thursday, November 4, 2010

Cycle Day 36...

...and 12 days post-peak.  I'm desperately trying not to get my hopes up. I know I'm just going to be disappointed.  CD1 is either going to come in the next couple of days, or I'll skip my period this month and not be pregnant.  I'm not going to let myself get my hopes up. 

I don't understand how it's so easy for some women to get pregnant.  During one doctor's visit, my doctor told me he knows a woman who got pregnant in college without even having "relations".  She was just fooling around with some guy and got pregnant!  I don't understand.  I know I sound like a huge baby saying this, but it's not fair!  Sometimes I just want to scream out of frustration.  I don't know how so many of you (amazing) women got through years of IF...I'm a big wimp. 

My husband's brother's baby mama (got that?) is pregnant AGAIN, this time with a baby boy (they have a 2 year old girl).  I'm trying so, so hard to be happy for them.  It's really difficult to not be bitter.  I think awful things like, "But they don't have a steady income!  Their car just got repossesed!  They're not married!  They can barely take care of one baby!  They use contraception!  Why can THEY get pregnant and not us?".  I know that nobody has a RIGHT to a child, but I think these things anyway. 

Sigh. I'm a horrible person.


  1. You are NOT a horrible person... Well, if you are, then we all are! ;)

    But seriously, you're not. It is totally normal to have those feelings! I've been dealing with this for over 4 years and I still feel that way, though I think I have gotten a little bit better about it.

    What I learned is that for me, it was rooted in my pride. I just plain felt I was better than those people and that I deserved it more. But that line you wrote is right: Nobody has a right to a child. A child is a gift, one that God hasn't given some of us yet. But perhaps He's given us a different gift?

    Believe me, I know how difficult seeing things this way can be!

  2. Hi!

    What you are feeling is completly normal and understandable. Please do not feel

    bad about it! its just part of the journey. Why do women smoke drugs and become pregnant, or do not want to be pregnant and are, or just have babies by looking at their husbands? Just some of the questions I have asked myself many times during these years.

  3. :) Thank you both so much for commenting! I was really in a bad frame of mind when I wrote this. I know I'm being prideful, but I'm going to work on it and keep my hopes up for a new month. I was praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet yesterday and the last prayer really hit me: "...look kindly upon us, and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondent, but with great trust submit ourselves to Your holy will..." Amen!