Prayer Buddy Reveal!

This Advent, I had the privilege of praying for K at Living Advent! :)  She is a wonderful, very "real" writer, and I loved getting to know her.  JBTC and TCIE, thank you so much for arranging Prayer Buddies!  


My prayer buddy hasn't contacted me yet, but I'm sure they're just busy with Christmas things! :)  In the meantime, I'll be checking the blogs pretty often to make sure I didn't miss her! lol 

Merry Christmas!

I know it's still Advent, but I won't get a chance to blog while I'm at my parents' house, so I'm wishing everybody a very merry Christmas a little bit early!  God bless you all!



O magnum mysterium,
et admirabile sacramentum,
ut animalia viderent Dominum natum,
jacentem in praesepio!
Beata Virgo, cujus viscera
meruerunt portare
Dominum Christum.
Alleluia! 


O great mystery,
and wonderful sacrament,
that animals should see the new-born Lord,
lying in a manger!
Blessed is the Virgin whose womb
was worthy to bear
Christ the Lord.
Alleluia! 

Doctor's Appt. Update

Well, I think my doctor's appointment went pretty well! :)  I went in for a regular Creighton appointment, but with my list of symptoms she decided to reschedule the Creighton and just focus on getting me healthy.  

Because I've been having (TMI warning!) vagi.nal discharge for a long time, she was going to do a pap right then and there (which I was NOT happy about lol).  I reminded her that I had just had one and that she noticed the discharge and took cultures during that appointment, but I had never heard the results.  Well, it turns out that my results got filed in the wrong place!  It could have been fixed months ago!  I'm more-than-slightly annoyed about that. lol  Anyway, she's putting me on a Z-pack and some other things (I can't remember what they are and I can't read her handwriting on the script lol), so hopefully that will go away.  :)

For my scary symptoms like my face going numb, dizziness, and stabbing pains (among others), she thinks it's anxiety.  I AM a worrier and over-thinker, so I think some of these things probably are anxiety related, but I'm not sure ALL of them are.  She's putting me on some anxiety meds to see if some of my symptoms go away.  She also ordered a back X-ray for me to see if I'll need surgery for my scoliosis.  Sigh.  All of that makes me very afraid, so I'm not going to think about it.

She totally dismissed the whole hey-I-feel-a-lump-in-my-throat-every-time-I-swallow/breathe/talk thing, which made me not-so-happy.  I told her that you can't feel the lump from the outside, but she felt my neck and was like, "Oh, I don't feel anything.  Everything feels normal." Oh, ok, except for the fact that something obviously ISN'T normal.  Sew would have been so annoyed! lol  I didn't push the issue, since she had already taken such a long time with me, but I plan to next month.

Fertility-wise, she's not sure I'm actually ovulating.  She is encouraged that my body is actually reacting to the estrogen/progesterone, though!  I'm going to get my FSH/LH tested on CD 3/4 and my estrogen and progesterone tested at P+7, and if my FSH/LH levels look better (last time I got it tested my FSH was at 165), she's going to give me clomid!  Exciting! :)

Oh, quick question!  When does everybody reveal their Advent prayer buddies? :)  Since I'll be going to my parents' house for Christmas, I won't be able to blog until I get home.  Would that be okay?  I've loved being a part of Prayer Buddies this time around!  What a blessing! :)

Oops!

Well, I called my doctor yesterday to make sure I had the time of my appointment right, and it turns out that it's actually TODAY. lol  I'm sure glad I called!


On a random note, my little sister has started a blog!  Crazy!  She texted me last night saying, "You should start a blog!" If only she knew! ;)

Doctor's Appointment Tomorrow

Tomorrow I have my long-awaited doctor's appointment!  I'm super excited about it, because I want to figure out WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME. lol  I would really, really, really love a diagnosis, but I have a feeling I'll have to have a million blood tests (again) first.  You know, if I ever DO get pregnant and I have to take PIO, it's going to be awful. lol  I mean, obviously I would do anything for my baby, so I'd get over it, but I'm terrified of needles.  So, yeah, blood tests are not very fun for me! :)  In January, when I got a million blood tests done, I almost threw up and passed out. lol


Boomz and I are going to take on this appointment differently than our other ones.  I mean, yes, we're going to go over my chart, but I think our main goal for awhile is just going to be getting me healthy.  I mean, I have a huge list of things that happen to me that are pretty scary.  I also have bad scoliosis, so I'm going to have to go see a doctor soon to see if I need surgery.  I have a feeling I will, because my one leg is an inch or so longer than the other, so when I walk my back has to compensate.  So my lower back is literally twisted (you can't really tell by looking at me, though).  Ahh, I have to stop thinking about it because I start to get scared.  So if y'all could pray that my doctor's appointment goes well tomorrow, that would be great! :)  


I'm so grateful for this blogging community.  You all have been so wonderful!  Thank you for everything. :)

Randoms and Some Rants :)

Randoms:

My sister-in-law is letting me borrow The House of the Se.ven Ga.bles by Nathaniel Hawthorne, and I am super excited about it!  I love The Sc.arlet Lett.er and Youn.g Good.man Brow.n, so I'm thinking I'm going to love this. :)  Have any of you read it?

Boomz and I finished Christmas shopping today!  Yay!  The mall was absolutely nuts.  Just crazy!  Afterwards, we went to my SIL's house to wrap presents, and we ended up having some interesting discussions.  J's an Evangelical Protestant, so we have differing opinions on several things. :)  She kept saying, "I'm so glad Uncle So-and-So is a Christian now!"  Uncle So-and-So was a Catholic for years before "getting saved" and leaving the Church, so I'm realizing she doesn't really think Catholics are Christians.  Boomz and I are exceptions since she knows that we have "personal relationships with Christ."  She also said that she thinks that occult things can't hurt people that are saved...I'm realizing how different Protestants and Catholics think, and it's fascinating.

Rants:

There's a store that sells guns on the main street of our little town, and in the window there are large posters  of (literally) half naked women holding large weapons, and I am getting absolutely sick of seeing them.  For one, there are little kids that walk past those posters everyday, and they should NOT be seeing things like that.  Two, it objectifies women in a big way, and I'm sure they cause men to think lustful thoughts.  I was so mad yesterday when I walked past them while going to the post office that I almost walked into the store and complained (and I would have if the store didn't totally freak me out).  I think I'm going to write a letter to the chamber of commerce complaining that the posters are offensive to women, because I've just had it.  It makes me so freaking angry.

On a similar thread, I saw a commercial today for J.ust for Me.n that had a bajillion women in shorty shorts and tiny tops, which also made me angry.  I understand that women are objectified by men, but why do we allow ourselves to be objectified?  I don't understand.  It sets back true feminism!  Wow.  I am so pissed off that I should just stop now.

Sorry, I had a lot of other things that I planned on writing about, but I got distracted and I forgot what they were. lol  Oh well.

Well...

...I applied for the job last night! :)  After talking with my mom (who works at a bank), my mother-in-law (who USED to work at a bank), my friend M.A. (who also used to work at a bank), and seeing all of your wonderful comments, I decided to just apply and see what happens.  Well, I got a reply this afternoon saying that I don't meet "minimum requirements" (which I don't really understand, but whatever.), so that settles that. lol 


 I really, really appreciate all your thoughts on my previous post!  You ladies are so wonderful! :) 

Decisions, decisions

As you may or may not know, I'm a SAHW. :)  I spend most of my day by myself; cleaning, knitting, praying, cooking, blogging, reading, and learning how to bake. :)  I absolutely love, love, love my job!  Growing up, I was totally spoiled (I'm realizing now), because I never had any chores, so I'm learning how to cook/clean while "on the job". lol  Anyway, my DH, Boomz, went to the bank yesterday, and came back with a flier saying they're looking for a teller.  The teller, L, said I could use her as a reference, and nobody has applied yet.   It'd be 30-39 hours a week, and it'd be a significant amount of extra money each month.  We have a lot of expenses coming up (we want to buy a new car since our cars can't handle the snow, we need a new mattress, a CPAP machine for Boomz, we have a mountain of student loan debt), and I'd like to build up my credit a little more, so I'm considering taking the job.  I have reservations about it because: 1) I hate change. lol 2) I'm tired all the time as it is, so I'm worried I'll be exhausted working AND cooking/cleaning. 3) I'm worried stuff around the house just won't get done.  I'm sorry if I'm not making sense!  I'm just trying to get my thoughts organized.  

Okay, I think I'm going to make a Pros/Cons list. lol 

Pros: 

Money for car

Money for mattress

Money for CPAP machine

Money to help pay off student loan debt 

Could possibly help pay for an adoption if we're so called

Build up credit

Cons:

Less time/energy for housework

Less freedom on weekends to see family/friends

Not sure I'd actually be good at it lol 

Oh, did I mention that while my husband was in the bank, I was in the car praying, "God, what would you like me to do with my life right now?":)  When I saw Boomz walking out of the bank with a smile and a flier, I started tearing up because I just KNEW it had something to do with a job. lol  I really don't WANT to get a job, because I love cleaning and taking care of my home, but I want to do what's best for  Boomz and I.  I mean, we're fine money-wise right now, it would just be EXTRA money.  Ughh...I am SO bad at making decisions! 

Any thoughts?  What would y'all do if you were in my situation? 

Happy Feast Day!

Happy Feast of St. John of the Cross! :)  I am in love with Carmelite saints!


Here are some great quotes from this amazing man:


"I die because I do not die." I love this one.  I hear ya, St. John! :)


"To saints, their very slumber is a prayer."


"In solitude He guides her, He alone,
Who also bears in solitude the wound of love"


"God is hidden in the soul. You yourself are His dwelling and His secret chamber and hiding place." Ahh, just think of that!  It blows my mind!


St. John of the Cross, pray for us!  

Thank you!

Thank all of you so much for commenting on my last post.  I was sorely being tempted to self-pity, and obviously I fell. :(  I feel like kind of an idiot for posting it so rashly, and thought about taking the post down, but thought it'd be humbling to keep it up.  :)  I also feel like kind of an ungrateful brat because all of you really have been so wonderful and welcoming!  Again, thank you so much!


I talked to my husband about how lonely I am, and he thinks that maybe my longing for a baby is manifesting itself as loneliness.  At first I dismissed this idea, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's probably a big part of it.  My temptations of self-pity always start when I'm reading baby things (at least, that's definitely what happened last night!).  I think I have a fear of being "left out" (not just in bloggerland, but in real life too); being the only one left without a child.  And somehow all of this manifests itself as loneliness. lol  I'm crazy.  I mean, I definitely would like friends too, but that might not be the heart of the issue.  


Thank you, everyone, for sticking with me through my crazy!  I don't think I'll be getting rid of my blog. :)

Letting it All Hang Out

I'm considering getting rid of this blog.

I don't know, I just kind of feel like it's pointless.  Who cares about what I have to say?  I don't have any deep insights into life (when I do, I don't know how to articulate them), and I'm not enriching the blogosphere in any way.  I've been thinking about this for about two weeks or so.

I just feel very alone.  I don't really have friends in real life (there aren't any people our age in our town or parish.  It's full of old people or young families), and seeing the deep connections all you (wonderful!) ladies in the blog world have just makes me feel even more lonely.  I'm not saying this to evoke pity or anything, I'm just being real. :)  And of course, I don't mean any offense to all of you beautiful ladies!  I understand that y'all have known each other a very long time.  I don't know.  I'm just lonely.  And all of the pregnancy announcements from my college friends don't help.


P.S. I realize this is totally opposite from the Yaylet'sbejoyful! post I just wrote, but I just needed to get this out.

Happy Gaudete Sunday!

And Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! :)


What a wonderful day! 


Here's part of the reflection for today from the Advent volume of the In Con.versation with God books:


"Let us ready for Christmas by being close to Our Lady.  Let us try, as well, to get ready for the Holy Season by encouraging an atmosphere of Christian peace where we live and work, and by doing all we can in small ways to bring pleasure and affection to those around us.  People need to be convinced that Christ has really been born in Bethlehem, and few things are more convincing than the habitual happiness of the Christian, even in the midst of pain and contradictions.  Our Lady knew many such contradictions when she came to Bethlehem tired out and after such a long journey, and unable to find a place fit for the birth of her Son.  But these problems did not cause her to lose her joy when God became Man, and dwelt amongst us.


Those are words I needed to hear! :)  
Our Lady of Guadalupe, patroness of the Americas, pray for us!

Cycle Update

Well, it's CD5, and this period has been really weird.  It's been VL-L the whole time with some B in there every once and awhile. Could low progesterone be causing this?  I wasn't on it as long as I usually am, since I'm supposed to take it at P+3, and I didn't have a peak day this cycle, so I just kind of guessed when to take it. :) 


I have so many questions for my doctor, and I was supposed to see her yesterday, but she called and asked to reschedule for the 21st. :(  I've compiled a list of symptoms to bring to the appointment (sorry if some of them are TMI):


headaches-usually on the left side
face going "numb"-usually on the left side
vaginal discharge
prickly feelings in limbs
"lump" in my throat all the time
no energy (I don't even know what it feels like to HAVE energy. lol)
hot flashes
dry eyes-mostly left eye
phlegm or mucus of something in my throat all the time
dry mouth very often
ears hurt a lot-especially left one
reduced breast size
stabbing pains in chest


There are more, but I'm so used to them I forget about them. lol  So I add to the list when I notice something.  I have a feeling she'll tell me that I'm being a hypochondriac (other doctors have said that to me), but I'm not making this stuff up!  There's obviously SOMETHING wrong!  I'm going to try to be assertive, and make sure she takes me seriously.  And I'm going to insist she tries to figure out what's going on with my woman parts; I don't just want my symptoms fixed!  


On a happy note, my husband and I are going to go see the new Chr.onicles of Nar.nia movie tonight!  He also made reservations at this steak place that we've been wanting to go to for practically forever.  I'm so excited! :) 

Sigh-pt. II

I just read on Face.book ANOTHER friend is pregnant.  Okay, she's more of an acquaintance than a friend, but still.  And she's somewhere between 5-6 months pregnant, which means she got pregnant RIGHT AFTER she got married.  Both of these women got married after me.  When I got married, people were like, "By the time so and so's married, you'll probably be announcing you're pregnancy!" Yeah, right.  I knew I would have trouble having children for years.  I feel like such a brat getting upset about my friends getting pregnant, but it's an instant reaction.  Sigh.  I have to get over myself.  

Sigh.

I just found out my friend T is pregnant.  I'm happy for her, and she's going to be a wonderful mother, but it still hurts.  As soon as I saw it on Face.book, I texted her to congratulate her, and she said, "Oh no!!! J, I was supposed to call and tell you in person!"  She knows that Boomz and I are "having trouble conceiving", so I appreciate the fact that she was being sensitive, but I'm pretty sure they weren't even TTC!  When they got married, she told me they were waiting 6-9 months to start trying, and it's only been 5.  I don't understand.  How do women just get pregnant without bajillions of pills, blood tests, charting, and doctors?  Why is it so easy for most women but may be impossible for me?  I'm trying not to think "It's not fair," but I'm thinking it anyway.  Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

On a different note, I have a question for the ladies with PCOS.  My friend M thinks she may have it, and she seemed to think that it's not "fixable".  I asked if she could get a wedge resection, and she said that she could, but it only works for 8-10 months.  Is that true?  I've never heard that before.  Are there other options for her?  Thank you all so much!

Immaculate Conception

Happy Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, and congratulations Sew! :)  What a wonderful day!


This is one of my favorite days of the whole liturgical year.  The Immaculate Conception has been one of my favorite titles of Our Lady long before I ever knew what it meant.  In 8th grade, my CCD teacher taught us about the saints (this was the first year we'd ever been taught about them), and she told us about the "Incorrupt.ibles".  St. Bernadette particularly fascinated me, so I asked my teacher if she could tell me more about her.  She gave me a biography of St. Bernadette, which I devoured, although I was so ignorant of the Faith that I really didn't understand much of it.  I remember getting chills when I read that Our Lady said to St. Bernadette, "I am the Immaculate Conception," although, again, I had no idea what that meant.  I remember having a discussion with a friend before my AP History class my junior year, wondering how Jesus could have been born on Dec. 25th if He was conceived on Dec. 8th! lol  I think it  might have been my freshman year of college when I finally understood what this doctrine actually means.  


Our Lady means more to me than I could ever express, and I know she was fundamental in my reversion.  Thank you, Mama, for praying for me.  I love you so much! 


"And a great sign appeared in heaven, a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars..." Revelation 12:1


Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!


P.S. Don't you just love that image of Our Lady and Jesus?  I love how He's all snuggled up to her!

Jesus Wept

My brilliant, wonderful husband emailed me this morning with the thoughts he had on his commute, and I just had to post them!  I'm so blessed to have such an amazing husband!


Here's the email: 


The shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35, "Jesus wept."  This is, to my knowledge, the only time in the Bible that Jesus weeping is mentioned.  Even in the garden, during his agony, it says he was greatly troubled or distressed, even to the point that his sweat was as blood; but, never again in the Bible does it mention Jesus weeping.  Yet, what profound insight, mystery, and wonder is contained within this shortest of verses, these two small words!

If we are to properly understand this verse, we have to ask certain questions about it: Why does Jesus weep?  What does it mean that Jesus weeps?  What happens to cause Jesus to weep?  What happens after?  Jesus weeps right after he learns of the death of his friend Lazarus, the brother of Martha and Mary.  We know that he then goes to the tomb of Lazarus and calls him forth, raising his friend from the dead.  We must naturally assume that Jesus knew he was going to do this, even upon learning of the death of this beloved man.  Why, then, did he weep?

Jesus weeping gives us insight into his Sacred Heart.  He is close to us in our humanity.  He is close to us in our grief.  He's close to us in our loss.  He's close to us in our pain.  He's close to us (though He doesn't share in it) in our despair.  Jesus knew that these two sisters were grieving and hurting at the loss of their brother.  He, in his humanity, knew their friends and, possibly, other family were grieving at the death of Lazarus.  Tradition says that, by this point, it is likely that St. Joseph had died, so Jesus, too, knew the bitterness and loss that comes with the death of a loved one.  What's more, Jesus knew that death was an aberration.  Jesus knew that "in the beginning it was not so" and that death is a result of sin in the world.  Jesus knew that what God had created as perfection, as a paradise for His beloved children has been twisted and convoluted and corrupted such that death entered the world and these frail, wounded people had to suffer this loss.  Jesus wept because he felt grief and pain and loss, in deeper and more profoundly acute ways than we ever could on this earth.

Consider what it means to "weep."  People typically weep (at least in my mind) when they feel the deepest, most profound pain and are too distraught to sob.  Personally, if I weep, it's because I'm feeling, deep within the core of my being, this heart-wrenching pain that makes me feel so helpless or lost that sobbing is almost a profane action.  Tears streaming down his face, Jesus could still probably speak some, or could probably hold these women close to himself and comfort them in their grief.  Jesus felt such compassion and empathy and grief that tears just flowed freely. 

These two words, this shortest verse gives us such a keen insight into the authentically genuine humanity of Jesus Christ.  It shows us that God truly became man for us.  This Man, descended from heaven, born of a Virgin, grown in wisdom and stature, lost and found in the Temple, feels what we feel.  He weeps with us and for us.  What's more, while it gives us this insight into the authentic humanity of Christ, it also simultaneously shows us His divinity.  He has the eternal perspective which affords him the capacity to weep for the whole of humanity; for the existence of death.  Yes, Jesus became man and weeps with us, but he came from the Father and will return to him and thus he weeps for us, too.

I Survived!

I survived my friends' wedding!  There were about a million babies/toddlers there, but I survived!  Thank you all so much for praying for me (especially you, prayer buddy!).  


I spent most of the evening chatting with college friends, drinking 7 and 7s, and avoiding babies.  lol  Most of it was stupid small talk, and wedding planning talk (virtually NO when-are-you-going-to-start-trying talk!), but I had the chance to have a wonderful conversation with three of my friends about NFP!  One of them, M, is engaged and learning Creighton.  She thinks she has PCOS, which makes me sad, but I'm also happy I may have somebody (in "real" life) to talk to about IF-related things.  Does that make me a bad person?  The other two, thank the Lord, are blessedly fertile, and I made SURE they knew how lucky they are.  When I told them how blessed they are, one of them said to M and I, "Well, at least you don't have to deal with cramps and nausea every month."  This statement was frustrating for two reasons: 1) I DO have to deal with cramps and nausea every month.  I have periods, but I may not actually be ovulating.  2) HAVING TO DEAL WITH CRAMPS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO INFERTILITY!  I didn't say anything because I hate conflict, but really?  I mean, really?  Anyway, that was the only frustrating comment of the night, and the rest of the conversation really was wonderful, so I call it a success! :)


When I came home (to my parents' house, I should say, since we were staying there for the weekend) that night, I found out that my sister bought her wedding dress.  My family went to a store just to look at some dresses, but my sister found one that she absolutely loved, so she bought it right then and there.  I thought it was a little rash, and my feelings were hurt since I didn't get to see my only sister try on wedding dresses, but she's happy so I'm trying to get over myself.  The silver sash around the waist of the dress made her change her colors to black and silver, which means no more butter yellow!  Good news for this pasty girl! lol  


The next day we attended Mass with a friend and had "brunch" with a few more friends who were in town for the wedding.  I put brunch in quotations, because it was really more of a feast!  Our hostesses made bacon, blueberry pancakes, regular pancakes, sausage, various fruits (okay, they didn't MAKE the fruit, but you know what I mean! lol), donuts, pumpkin muffins, and some crazy quiche. :)  It was amazing!  We had some great conversation about rebellion, baptism, and liturgy.  The only thing that put a damper on the meal was the fact that there was a baby.  My friends have a 7 week old baby, whom I could not avoid.  However, she is a very cute baby, and she was often very close to me, so sometimes I would just stare at her like a creep.  IF sucks.  :)


I hope you ladies had a wonderful weekend! :) 

Wedding this Weekend

My friends D and J are getting married this weekend.  This may make me an awful person, but I'm totally dreading it.  There are going to be at least three friends there with new babies, and because almost ALL of my friends got married this spring/summer, there is bound to be "baby talk".  You know, lots of people asking when we're going to "start trying" (ha!), why we don't have a little one on the way, when THEY are going to start trying, etc.  Ughhh.  I feel really selfish, because this is our friends' day, but I don't want to be there at all.  Also, I can't stand small talk, and the evening is going to be FULL of it, because my friends and I haven't talked to each other in practically forever.  


Oh!  I just thought of something!  My friend E is getting married in April, so maybe everyone will talk about wedding planning instead!  That would be wonderful! lol  I might just have to steer conversation that way! :) If only I could avoid seeing the babies...


On a different note, I know I'm always begging for prayers, but could you all please pray for a private family intention?  I'd let y'all know what it is, but my family doesn't want people to know.  It's a life-threatening situation, so the prayers would be really appreciated!

Feeling Much Better, but Confused!

Thank you all so much for praying for my husband and I yesterday!  We're feeling much better today.  We actually think it was a stomach flu, because we went to a friend's house and their grandson had it a couple days before.  That was the worst bug I've ever, ever had, and let's just say I wasn't suffering joyfully. lol  


Okay, so I'm extremely, extremely confused about this cycle.  I had 10SL CM last night, even though it's CD28. What the HECK?!  I mean, it's possible I misread things, but I don't think I did.  Ovulation can't be delayed THAT much, can it?  


I ended up taking Progesterone last night (before I saw the 10SL), because I just feel like it's been way too long to NOT be taking it.  I don't know if it was the right decision or not.  Ughhh...


Any thoughts on what in the world could be going on with me would be greatly appreciated. :)