I was very distracted at Mass today because I kept thinking about one of my roommates from college. I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, but she refused because she didn't approve of Boomz and I. She didn't like how Boomz "pursued" me before I went to discern my vocation in the convent (he didn't, it just naturally happened). We don't talk on a regular basis anymore, but when we see each other at weddings and things we usually have pleasant conversations about Creighton (she has PCOS) and her wedding planning (she's getting married in June). I had always assumed I would be invited to the wedding, since I HAD been her roommate and there wasn't any animosity between us or anything. Plus, sometimes she would say things like, "Wait 'til you see the venue!" However, I found out a few weeks ago that the Save-the-Dates had been sent out a long time ago, and Boomz and I didn't get one. Am I silly to be a little bit hurt about this?
I feel like maybe I've always had more affection for her than she had for me. At one wedding, I had covered my head with a scarf during the Mass instead of my usual veil, because I wanted the bride to be the only one wearing a veil. Well that caught my friend's attention, and she asked me why I started covering my head during Mass. I explained it to her, and she said something that really hurt me. She said, "You know, I'm pretty surprised you're so concerned with modesty, since your wedding dress was strapless." I mean, holy crap! Would a friend say something like that?
This leads me to my title. I have zero close girl friends. Zero close friends in general, really. My time in the convent and really put a lot of distance (literally and figuratively) between us, and now we all live far apart. I find myself longing for female companionship. I've never been good at having girl friends. In elementary school I had a few good girl friends, until 6th grade when one of them persuaded the rest of them to stop being friends with me and I had no friends for a year, and things were never the same. In high school I had two good girl friends, S and D, until a boy came between S and I (the same one from the 6th grade). I had many more guy friends in high school than girl friends, and this continued into college. I felt like I could be myself around guys and felt much more confident around them. Now, I feel a definite need for Catholic girl friends. Friends that I can tell anything, even my deepest, darkest secrets. There are no friends to be had at our church...I'm either too old or too young. I'm too old to be part of the "youth group", but too young (and without children of course) to be part of the mommy groups. I asked Jesus today to send me good Catholic girl friends at Mass today, so hopefully they'll come along soon. :)
Sorry if this post is crazy or hard to understand. I was trying to write and watch the Os.cars at the same time, so it might not make much sense! lol