I feel ugly. And undesirable.
Despite all of my knowledge of Theol.ogy of the Bo.dy, and knowing that human dignity comes from being made in the image and likeness of God, I still think my value comes from how I look and how attractive I am.
This all started this morning because of my stupid hair (although these feelings are always lurking just below the surface). It won't lay right and it just looks so flat on my head. Then, Boomz and our friend B were talking about who they would have replaced Ca.te Blan.chett with to play Galad.riel in Lor.d of the Ri.ngs, and they were talking about all of these gorgeous actresses, and I can't help but compare myself with them. Boomz particularly thinks Ka.te Becki.nsale is attractive, which makes jealousy rear its ugly head within me. I mean, really, how can I, with my stupid dishwater blonde hair, thick glasses, and pasty white skin, compete with HER?
I mean, something must be wrong with me, because I hate it when my husband finds other women attractive. Normal women aren't like that. Normal women allow their husbands to see the beauty of God's creation or whatever. But when Boomz finds somebody else beautiful, I instantly think that means he doesn't think I'm attractive.
And I don't just want to be beautiful, I want to be se.xy. Because, somewhere inside of me, I still think se.xiness is the only way I could ever be valuable. After all, I have zero talents. I can't paint, or write, or draw, or sew, or play sports or an instrument, or cook. Again, intellectually, I know that's not what makes a person have worth. And with other people I certainly don't think this way. Just with myself. I have incredible amounts of self-loathing, and IF only exacerbates it.
Back before my conversion, I used to wear incredibly skimpy clothing, and I enjoyed the attention I received because of it. Now that I dress modestly, I feel invisible. Not only to random men, but also to my husband.
I realize all of this is psychologically unhealthy. Every Holy Communion I ask Jesus to heal all of my emotional and spiritual wounds, because I know that He's the only one Who can. I know that He loves me, and I know that's all that really matters in the end. If I focus on that thought, I start to feel a little better. The God of the universe loves me; loves me enough to die for me. He desires to be with me forever. I'll just have to focus on His love, and stop thinking so much about myself, and I'll feel better.
Again, I'm sorry for all of the ugliness in this post. I just needed to get it all out. I'll probably end up taking it down soon.