I feel ugly. And undesirable.
Despite all of my knowledge of Theol.ogy of the Bo.dy, and knowing that human dignity comes from being made in the image and likeness of God, I still think my value comes from how I look and how attractive I am.
This all started this morning because of my stupid hair (although these feelings are always lurking just below the surface). It won't lay right and it just looks so flat on my head. Then, Boomz and our friend B were talking about who they would have replaced Ca.te Blan.chett with to play Galad.riel in Lor.d of the Ri.ngs, and they were talking about all of these gorgeous actresses, and I can't help but compare myself with them. Boomz particularly thinks Ka.te Becki.nsale is attractive, which makes jealousy rear its ugly head within me. I mean, really, how can I, with my stupid dishwater blonde hair, thick glasses, and pasty white skin, compete with HER?
I can't.
I mean, something must be wrong with me, because I hate it when my husband finds other women attractive. Normal women aren't like that. Normal women allow their husbands to see the beauty of God's creation or whatever. But when Boomz finds somebody else beautiful, I instantly think that means he doesn't think I'm attractive.
And I don't just want to be beautiful, I want to be se.xy. Because, somewhere inside of me, I still think se.xiness is the only way I could ever be valuable. After all, I have zero talents. I can't paint, or write, or draw, or sew, or play sports or an instrument, or cook. Again, intellectually, I know that's not what makes a person have worth. And with other people I certainly don't think this way. Just with myself. I have incredible amounts of self-loathing, and IF only exacerbates it.
Back before my conversion, I used to wear incredibly skimpy clothing, and I enjoyed the attention I received because of it. Now that I dress modestly, I feel invisible. Not only to random men, but also to my husband.
I realize all of this is psychologically unhealthy. Every Holy Communion I ask Jesus to heal all of my emotional and spiritual wounds, because I know that He's the only one Who can. I know that He loves me, and I know that's all that really matters in the end. If I focus on that thought, I start to feel a little better. The God of the universe loves me; loves me enough to die for me. He desires to be with me forever. I'll just have to focus on His love, and stop thinking so much about myself, and I'll feel better.
Again, I'm sorry for all of the ugliness in this post. I just needed to get it all out. I'll probably end up taking it down soon.
I feel the exact same way sometimes. My DH has no problem telling me that he thinks other women are pretty/sexy. I have never thought of myself as pretty/sexy. I know he loves me, but it doesn't keep the doubt from creeping in that I am not what he wants. My self doubt and loathing is more prominent during PMS time, but always there.
ReplyDeleteThis might sound harsh, but this is what I say to myself when I have my moments... "if he didn't love me (find me sexy, attractive, talented, add anything here), he wouldn't be here; he doesn't have to be".
Also, YES! God loves you! And so does Boomz!
Just wanted to say, you are not alone. You are not alone as you struggle and you are not the only one with such a struggle. I was raised with regular criticism of my weight and have a very hard time appreciating myself if I am overweight, which I've been all my life since I was five. Personally, I think it was a self-fullfilling prophecy but it a constant battle for me.
ReplyDeleteI think so many of us struggle with this. And frankly, I think it's hard for any woman to hear a husband admire another. Men are prone to concupiscence too... they need to guard their hearts and minds just as much as we do (and we know this! And worry about it!). Thanks to the Fall, we will always have to work hard to be sensitive to our spouses and our own weaknesses when it comes to this. Ugh. I pray for healing for you... definitely can relate!
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I love about a Sacramental marriage, is how healing it is on an emotional, physical and spiritual level. As a newlywed deep wounds are going to come up--things that you never really noticed when you were single. Intimacy is a big deal. Divine Intimacy is even bigger! Give your soul a chance for extra TLC on this matter. Talk about your feelings very honestly with your husband and your spiritual advisor. I think healing is going to come much sooner than you think.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know you're not alone! Since dealing with IF, I've realized I tend to be a very jealous person. Ugh!! One thing that does help me if I start comparing myself to "famous" women is the Dove Cam.paign for Real Be.auty- Do.ve Evolu.tion video. You can see it on YouT.ube. So much of what we see isn't real - kind of scary to think! Praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteOh yes you are not alone! Ack! I hate TV! Bbbs and butt slammed all over the tv, not a stretch mark on them, perfect hair, perfect bangs, great clothes etc...etc...
ReplyDeleteI hate it! I struggled with this up until a couple of months ago. Then I think I just gave up because I can't compete and I got tired.
My DH never said things intentionally to hurt me like Boomz, but it's hard....
Now I could totally fall into the category over oohhing and ahhing over mr. cam. LOL But so was my DH was I think we are good there! hahaha
I pretty much struggled with this a lot in the beginning of my marriage...I used to go ballistic and cry and tell him he must not love me because I don't look like her and what if I get obese and fat are you still gonna love me! I think my husband was a little caught off guard....hahahaha Poor guy, now at this point I think it's a mute point.
Now we just laugh at the sagging bbs and stretch marks all over my fat booty! ;)
Thank you all so, so much for all of your prayers and advice! You are all wonderful, and I admire you all so much. I just love all of my "blog ladies". :)
ReplyDeleteJust a clarification: Boomz didn't mean to hurt me at all (I hope I didn't make it sound that way...I was just really upset while I was writing). He was just talking with his friend about who they thought would make better elven women in the LOTR movies (yes, we're nerds lol), and mentioned actresses he thought were attractive. I don't think he thought I'd be bothered by what they were saying. Unfortunately, I was. lol
I just went back and read this, and I'm glad you are already feeling better! But I know just how you feel. Sometimes I even argue with my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful! I think he must be either lying or crazy! I bet if you were to discuss this with Boomz, he would assure you you're beautiful, and that he'd rather be with you than any of those actresses. I don't even know him, but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he thinks that! Haha. I also struggle with jealousy, so I get that too. But it sounds like you know how to help all these feelings. Keep giving it all over to God!
ReplyDelete