Things on my mind :)

1) First, I have a few prayer requests (I feel bad that I'm always asking you for prayers...).  My 75 year old grandpa is having some health issues that are scaring all of us.  He's having stroke-like symptoms, but the doctors can't figure out what's wrong with him.  He follows my grandma around everywhere because he's so scared something else is going to happen.  :(  Please pray for him!


I've had a cold this week that is totally kicking my butt.  I had a fever all day on Wednesday that wouldn't go away no matter what I took, and my ears and throat hurt me so badly that I was in tears earlier (I'm such a wimp!).  My ears are really what's worrying me, because they've been bothering me for a year and a half now.  I've got fluid behind my eardrum in my left ear, and I've told my doctor a million times, but she just gives me some allergy medicine that's supposed to "dry me up", but it never, ever works.  I can't go to a different doctor for a few days yet due to insurance craziness, but it worries me how often and how much they hurt. :(  Could you please pray for healing for my ears?  Also, my family is visiting this weekend, so if you could pray that their visit goes well, I'd truly appreciate it!


2) I've been insanely emotional lately.  My husband and I were listening to random love songs last night, and I requested "Sh.e's Ev.erything" by Br.ad Paisley, and then I cried (hard!) through the whole song!  Then, right before bed, I started crying again and I didn't even know why!  What is happening to me?! lol  I can't blame AF, because she's come and gone...hmmm....


3) For a while now Boomz and I have been feeling as if our lives are on hold.  Boomz is unhappy and restless with his job, and would really love to work for the Church somehow.  However, he doesn't have a degree in anything Church-y, and he would like to get his master's degree in theology, but we already have a massive amount of student loan debt.  He's also been thinking about opening a coffee shop with his friends in India.napolis, which makes me inwardly freak out every time I hear him talking on the phone about it.  I'm afraid I'm not being a very supportive wife about this dream of his (again, when I realize this, it makes me cry), because I think about how much more debt we would accrue, and how that would make adoption impossible for even longer than it is now.  Boomz could be happy in Indy (and he's not happy here), because he has friends there, but I would probably be miserable because 1) I am NOT a city girl.  I've lived in small towns my whole life, and I love them.  and 2) I would be far away from any family.  I'm already far away from my own family, but moving to Indy would move us away from my in-laws, whom I love dearly. 


I also have no idea what to do with my life.  I feel like I can't stay home (as much as I love it!) for forever, but I don't know what else to do.  I didn't finish my degree before we were married because I "just want to be a wife and mother", and despite all of my fertility issues pre-marriage, I still thought that I would get pregnant eventually.  I suppose I could finish my history degree, but, again, we'd be accruing more debt.  I'm not really "good" at anything, or passionate about anything except for the Church.  I love learning and talking about Her!  Sigh.  I just have to trust that God's will is good.  Now I just have to figure out what it is. lol 

Because I must get that sad post off the top of my blog lol

I feel a little bad about my last post.  I wrote it while I was very upset, and it's so negative and ugly.  I'm still considering deleting it, but I don't want to lose the wonderful comments!  If I ever start feeling that way again, I know I'd want to go back and read all of them. :)  Anyway, I know why I was feeling so down and having mood swings left and right for a few days...yesterday was CD1! :)


I'm pretty happy that CD1 came, because that's two months in a row now! :)  Thank you, Lord!  I'm having bad cramps (although nothing like what you endo girls have.  I'm just not used to them, so I'm being a baby!), and feel sick to my stomach a lot, but I'm trying to be thankful that I'm even having a period. :)


In completely unrelated news, I've just discovered Dow.nton Abb.ey on Net.flix, and holy cow am I in love!  It's about an aristocratic family in 1912 whose inheritance is all out of whack (for reasons you must watch the show to find out), and their servants.  I'm in love with seeing how people used to live (and dress! Ahhh!), and how they were expected to behave.  There's one cringe-worthy scene in the first episode, but other than that, it's been PG the whole time!  Boomz and I are a little obsessed. lol  


Between Dow.nton Abb.ey and this post by Bet.ty Begu.iles, I've been daydreaming about clothes for the past two days. :) I would seriously dress in Victorian garb everyday if it wouldn't make me a social pariah. lol  I long to wear beautiful dresses and skirts everyday, but the dresses and skirts I own aren't appropriate for everyday work.  Sigh.  Oh well.  A girl can dream!  :)


Sorry this post is so boring! 

Insecurities

This post is going to really show my sinfulness...I apologize in advance.  It's also not going to be all that coherent...it'll probably just be a bunch of random thoughts.


I feel ugly.  And undesirable.


Despite all of my knowledge of Theol.ogy of the Bo.dy, and knowing that human dignity comes from being made in the image and likeness of God, I still think my value comes from how I look and how attractive I am.


This all started this morning because of my stupid hair (although these feelings are always lurking just below the surface).  It won't lay right and it just looks so flat on my head.  Then, Boomz and our friend B were talking about who they would have replaced Ca.te Blan.chett with to play Galad.riel in Lor.d of the Ri.ngs, and they were talking about all of these gorgeous actresses, and I can't help but compare myself with them.  Boomz particularly thinks Ka.te Becki.nsale is attractive, which makes jealousy rear its ugly head within me.  I mean, really, how can I, with my stupid dishwater blonde hair, thick glasses, and pasty white skin, compete with HER?

I can't.

I mean, something must be wrong with me, because I hate it when my husband finds other women attractive.  Normal women aren't like that.  Normal women allow their husbands to see the beauty of God's creation or whatever.  But when Boomz finds somebody else beautiful, I instantly think that means he doesn't think I'm attractive.  

And I don't just want to be beautiful, I want to be se.xy.  Because, somewhere inside of me, I still think se.xiness is the only way I could ever be valuable.  After all, I have zero talents.  I can't paint, or write, or draw, or sew, or play sports or an instrument, or cook.  Again, intellectually, I know that's not what makes a person have worth.  And with other people I certainly don't think this way.  Just with myself.  I have incredible amounts of self-loathing, and IF only exacerbates it. 

Back before my conversion, I used to wear incredibly skimpy clothing, and I enjoyed the attention I received because of it.  Now that I dress modestly, I feel invisible.  Not only to random men, but also to my husband.  

I realize all of this is psychologically unhealthy.  Every Holy Communion I ask Jesus to heal all of my emotional and spiritual wounds, because I know that He's the only one Who can.  I know that He loves me, and I know that's all that really matters in the end.  If I focus on that thought, I start to feel a little better.  The God of the universe loves me; loves me enough to die for me.  He desires to be with me forever.  I'll just have to focus on His love, and stop thinking so much about myself, and I'll feel better. 

Again, I'm sorry for all of the ugliness in this post.  I just needed to get it all out.  I'll probably end up taking it down soon. 

   

Freaking Out

I know I've written about this before, but I'm totally freaking out right now and need to write.  My hair is falling out and thinning like crazy...I'm terrified of going bald.  My hair on top is so thin.  I know this has something to do with my thyroid, but I can't do anything about it until June 14th. We're without insurance until June 1st, because my husband is switching insurance companies, and I have a doctor's appointment on the 14th.  I'm so scared I won't have any hair by then! 

In other news, please pray for my husband.  He has a job interview on Friday in the area we've been wanting to move to for a long time! :)

Quick Scripture Question:

Why does St. Paul call the people he writes his letters to "saints"?  I was listening to R.ay Comfo.rt for fun today (I grew up in a totally Catholic culture, and didn't even hear the word Protestant until I was in 6th grade, so I find listening to Protestants fun and fascinating, since it's a totally foreign mindset to me. lol), and he said something like, "Saints aren't people in heaven surrounded by fat baby cherubs.  Don't believe me?  Look in Colossians, etc, etc."  I would love to have an answer for this, since I've always kind of wondered about it, and it's bound to come up in conversation with Boomz' Protestant family someday. :)  Thank you!

Thank you! :)

Thank you all so much for praying for my friend!  He talked to the priest for almost two hours, and said that he felt like the priest really tried to understand him.  B says he realizes what was missing in his Protestant life was the sacraments, because his faith back then was based entirely on emotions.  However, my husband says B isn't more disposed to believing in God than he was before the meeting.  I guess it was pretty unreasonable of me to expect this one meeting to entirely change B's opinion, but I did anyway. lol  Father set B up to meet with a good Catholic couple on Tuesday, and B's pretty excited about the meeting. :)  So, at least B is meeting with solid Catholic people in his area (we live 6 hours away from him)!  I just want B to be happy, because he's miserable right now, and I know that, ultimately, only God will be able to do that. :)  If you could please keep him in your prayers, I would really appreciate it!  

Celluli.te and Prayer Request (not about my cell.ulite lol)

Ladies, I'm in a quandary.  I have cel.lulite on my thighs, butt, stomach, and I'm even starting to get it on my calves!  Who has ever heard of ce.llulite on CALVES?  I feel like I shouldn't have this much celluli.te at 22 years old (seriously, there's a lot), and I want to get rid of it.  I hope this isn't being vain.  My main motivation is to look good for my husband.  Do you have any advice about how to get rid of ce.llulite?  I'm not overweight (I'm underweight, in fact, which I'm working on), and I don't eat fast food or food from a box.  I've heard drinking lots and lots of water helps...does anybody know if that's true?  Because of the severe scoliosis in my lower back, many exercises that I've heard help don't work the muscles they're supposed to, and they make my hips crack and pop.  I don't have any exercise machines, or room for them in my apartment!  I wish I could swim to build muscle, but getting a membership at the Y is out of the question because it's so expensive.  I'm looking forward to your suggestions! :)  


I have yet another prayer request, but this time it's not for myself! :)  My friend B is agnostic, but really seems to be searching for the truth.  He was brought up in a good Protestant home, but fell away in the last couple of years or so.  He's incredibly smart, and his intellectual pride is getting in the way of finding God.  He says he's never seen God acting in his life, or had any experience of Him, and thinks everybody he talks to about this has a personal agenda.  Anyway, today at 4 EST, he's meeting with a priest! :)  Please, please pray this meeting goes well!  Boomz and I have heard great things about this priest from two of our FOCUS missionary friends, so I have high hopes! :)  Thank you all so much!

Wedding Update

Thank you all so much for your prayers!  Seriously, I'm so grateful for all of you! :)


I didn't have a breakdown! :)  When I saw the one pregnant lady who doesn't like to take pills, I felt anger rise up inside of me, and I could barely contain myself when I heard her complaining about being nauseous all the time, but when she actually sat down next to me to talk, I kept my cool. :)  Nobody asked me when Boomz and I are going to have children, thank goodness.  I wonder if they think we're just waiting to have children or if they all know by now that I'm infertile, since I've told a few people about it.  They know Boomz and I well enough to know that we wouldn't be using contraception.  


Well, this was a short and kind of pointless post, but I thought you all might want to know how it went! :)