Thursday, April 7, 2011

The world never lets me forget I'm IF

This is an angry/sad post; just a warning!

A couple of weeks ago, Boomz and I went to see Dr. give her Contra.ception, Wh.y No.t presentation at the college we went to.  Before the talk, some people that I haven't seen in awhile approached me and started asking me what I'm doing nowadays, and somehow children were brought up (maybe I brought up the little boy I babysit for?  I can't remember), and this acquaintance said, "You should be expecting your own little one soon!"


What do I say to that, especially to a male acquaintance who I never really see?  "Why, yes, yes I SHOULD be expecting my own little one, but, unfortunately I'm as barren as a brick!  Thanks for reminding me!"

I ended up just saying something like, "Well, we're having a little trouble in that area, so please pray for us!"

Then, DURING the talk, the good doctor kept talking about how men are more attracted to women when they're fertile.  I know that's probably true, and I know this wasn't her intention, but it made me feel like crap.  It made me think that I'm never truly attractive to my husband because I'm never fertile.  My husband assured me that he finds me attractive, but I can't help but think I'm not desirable on that physiological level.

The weekend after that, I went to my friend's bachelorette party, where, of course, NFP and pregnancy were brought up, especially since a million of our friends are pregnant.  I don't remember how we started talking about me, but I ended up having to admit to a couple of friends sitting with me on the couch that I'm infertile.  One of them implied that I should just do arti.ficial insemin.ation, which surprised me because she's a practicing Catholic.  I told her that that's against Church teaching, but I'm going to do everything I can that the Church allows.  She has since texted/emailed me, saying that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about my "situation" and that it doesn't seem fair that I'm IF, and did some research and sent me some links!  I thought that was so thoughtful and I really, really appreciate it.  Does anybody know of a correlation between IF and melatonin levels?  Because that's what her links suggest.

While I was at the party, my husband was visiting with our spiritual mother, M.A.  She told Boomz a story about one of our friends who's pregnant that really, really made us angry.  She's very, very concerned with something being "wrong" with the baby for some reason, so she's having more ultrasounds than necessary.  M.A. asked her if she's taking any vitamins or supplements that help during pregnancy, and she said, "No, I don't like taking pills."  

Um.  What?!

You don't want to take pills that will help you have a healthy pregnancy, but I have to take a million pills a day just so I CAN HAVE THE POSSIBILITY TO GET PREGNANT!  Just to have the POSSIBILITY.  Do you realize the HELL I've been through to even get a tentative diagnosis, only to find out that I'll NEVER have children?  And you don't want to take a couple of PILLS?  (Disclaimer: I know I haven't had to go through as much as many of you.  I haven't had surgery or anything like that.  You women are all amazing!) 

In three weeks, I'll have to go to my friend's wedding (the one whose party I went to), and I'll have to see this pregnant woman.  Please, please pray for me, so that I'll be able to talk to her and not avoid her all night!


  1. :( So sorry for all of this. I certainly know what it's like to feel like you're the last infertile in the world and are surrounded by pregnant people.

  2. I greatly admire Dr. Smith and I understand why you would react the way you did give how close to your heart the subject is, but I would be very curious what Dr. Smith might say about the use of contraception and its implications for women who struggle with IF. If I get a chance, I'll try to email her and ask.

    I completely understand anyone having their limits when it comes to medical intervention, but refusing to take prenatal vitamins simply because she doesn't like to take pills is not only ridiculous but pretty selfish IMHO.

    Really, when it comes to having children, if you aren't a very close friend or close family member, people should learn to mind their own business. We have been very good friends with a faithful Catholic couple for almost a decade now. They married 3 1/2 years before we did, so by the time we were married, we couldn't help but wonder why they hadn't had any children. We wondered if they were intentionally avoiding due to money or whatever, but we never said anything or asked anything. Thank God we didn't. They miscarried 3 times before, with very specific and necessary medical help involving daily injections, they had a baby. Fortunately they never knew it, but it was a very valuable lesson for us in making any sort of presumption about another couple's children or lack of.

    I really do think that contraception and a contraceptive mentality is why so many people feel free to make comments to others about their fertility. Less than 3 hours after giving birth to my 4th child, my mom asked me if I was "done" having kids now. When I used this as an example the very next day to a medical assistant to demonstrate the differences between my mother's view and my own, and the assistant learned which number child this was, the assistant said, "You're mom's right. You are done," and she repeated I was "done" two more times before she left. While I am at the other end of the spectrum of fertility comments, I am in complete agreement that I wish people would keep their opinions and assumptions on other people's fertility or infertility to themselves. It really is no one's business to ask about.

    I really want to think of some embarrassingly personal question to turn on them and see if they pick up the hint, but I haven't thought of one. ... yet.

  3. I am so sorry you went through this. Just the other day my two sisters (who each have three children already and plan for more) were talking about how they felt "behind" because some Catholic moms already have so many more. Um. Wow. Well, I am 30 and have 0 kids. I will never, never, never "catch up" to my sisters or these Catholic moms with 7 by age 30. I don't have any IF diagnosis, so I can only imagine how much more emotional it is to have that added on top of the pain.

  4. I'm so sorry! I too get angry when people carelessly say comments without thinking. As for the women who doesn't take the vitamins she needs for a healthy pregnancy-I'm shocked and saddened by her selfishness.

    We all have moments where the cross of IF is heavier than we think we can handle-especially when it seems that it's the comments of others that add on to the already heavy cross.

    It has taught me even more so to think before I speak and to be sensitive to those who may or may not be struggling (with IF or other things).

    Um praying for you even harder today and asking that God will give you more strength and courage to overcome the comments and stories you're told/you hear.

  5. aw man :( these situations stink! I am so glad your friend wrote to you though, that was really sweet of her. So nice when people come through like that :) I'll be praying for you dear and hoping you are able to have a great, uninterrupted good time at that wedding!

  6. Ugh. People should really learn to stay in their own lane.


    That's ludicrous. I get SO offended at the idea that I should "catch up" to ANYONE. Newsflash: Having more children does NOT make a person a better Catholic! I am sorry you had to hear that.
    I am not just a womb! I am a complete person - I was before children and I still am with my ("just two oh she must be contracepting) two. What's right for my family might not be right for yours and vice versa. This subculture of "The more, the holier" must end.

  7. Oh, wow, you've been slammed lately, huh? I'm so sorry that all of that happened. I've been to & listened to talks that left me really upset, because they focus so much on procreation and not the UNITY of your marriage. It's as though people forget that marriage is for the good of the spouses -and to get each other to heaven. Children may come, and they may not. God blesses marriages in many different ways. Hugs... I'm praying for you!!

  8. I'm so sorry. :( I love Dr. Smith too, but I can totally understand why her points on attraction bothered you.
    You are in my prayers, and I hope you are able to enjoy yourself at the wedding and that God will protect your heart.

  9. ha, i had a jolt back to reality recently as well. they suck.
    oh, and happy anniversary :) i sincerely hope you're able to enjoy this wonderful day with your husband. there is a lot to celebrate!

  10. Yikes, so sorry about that prego lady. You are in my prayers!

  11. Cathy - just to clarify, my sisters don't subscribe to "the more, the holier." And my own sorrow is that I genuinely desire a larger family, and it likely won't happy due to time constraints. But I TOTALLY agree that comparisons are no good and judging people based on family size is ridiculous!!!!!