I'm Alive!

Hello everybody! :)

I'm so, so sorry about the long blogging break (and with no notice, too!). I'm honestly not sure why I stopped, but I think it's been healthy for me.  I think I've been focusing less on myself and my issues, which has been nice. I haven't stopped reading everybody, though! I couldn't comment (even anonymously) for some reason when I used Windows, but now that I'm using a Mac everything seems okay.

So, what have I been up to, you ask? Well, in September, I had an appointment with an endocrinologist, who was a total jerk, but he did a ton of tests, including adrenals and thyroid stuff.  As usual, all of my levels came back normal, except for my FSH and LH. My FSH was 151, which is pretty normal for me, but insanely high for normal women. I had an MRI done on my brain to check for a pituitary tumor, and that also came back normal. I felt so bad for the poor women who were doing my MRI...I was freaking out the entire time! I went in there thinking I would be in a hospital gown (like on Hous.e!), because if I went in the MRI room wearing metal things would fly across the room and everything would be disastrous (like on Hous.e!). Well, they let me keep ALL of my metal on, except for my glasses, and that made me extremely nervous. No matter how many times they told me that I was fine, I didn't believe them. Then, the MRI was shaking and making all sorts of insane noises, and I was convinced it was because of my belt. lol In the middle of all of this, I had to get an injection of dye, which made everything worse because I hate needles. I know this all sounds silly, but I was just really nervous about the whole thing! The news about the lack-of pituitary tumor was bittersweet, because I was really hoping for some kind of quick fix for my infertility, but I was also terrified of having to have surgery. 

The endocrinologist also did an ultrasound on my thyroid, and found nothing except that right side is larger than the left. So my final diagnosis is Prema.ture Ova.rian Fai.lure. I've known since I was in high school that I might not be able to have children, but I'm still struggling against despair. The "I will NEVER be pregnant," thoughts run through my head quite often, but I try to push them away and accept God's will as best I can right now. Every once and awhile I'll have moments of peace, which I'm very grateful for.  I hope I'll be a mother someday, but I know that my ultimate fulfilment is in Him. 

Well, this post is already too long so I'm going to stop for now! Thank you all for putting up with my blogging break!