"I cannot wait until 7:30 AM on January 10th to meet little Mr. ___. This cannot come soon enough! I do, however, love feeling him wiggle around and kicking. :) I will miss it..."
One of her friends then commented: "I love being pregnant but man my body is killing. Play dates?!"
At first, these things didn't even bother me! I was even happy for the second lady (I've known about the first woman's pregnancy for awhile)! But later on, when other stupid things were happening to remind me that I'm not normal, I had a complete breakdown. An ugly one, too. Usually my breakdowns consist of a quivery chin and some silent crying, but this one was more like loudly sobbing into my husband's chest. I was having another one of my "But it's not fair!" moments (they're both unmarried). Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have hot flashes when I'm only in my early 20's? Why can't doctors figure me out? Why do other women (WHO DON'T EVEN WANT KIDS) get pregnant just by touching a man? I might not ever get to feel a baby wiggling around inside of me. I might not ever get to have play dates. I might not get to go through morning sickness and back pain for my baby. UGH!
My wonderful husband was soothing me the whole time, reminding me that this would be a great opportunity to offer my pain up, and that "Every one to whom much is given, of him will much be required" (Luke 12:48-RSV). He reminded me that although all of those people have a baby, they don't know God (no judgment-just fact). They get to be pregnant but they don't have the privilege to recieve Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. While he was talking with me, I realized that I want God's will...but only if that will has a baby in store for me. IF is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It's much, much more difficult than leaving Boomz for the convent, or leaving the convent for Boomz. It's much harder to accept IF as God's will, much harder to practice detachment, and much harder to not get discouraged. Tonight made me realize how much I've been relying on my own strength--and it's not working.
Not one bit. :(
I am so sorry you had to experience this. You are in my prayers. I'll be lighting a canle at church this morning for "babies all around" for all "my ladies".
ReplyDeleteI see you are in Ohio. Me too. Have you talked to a Creighton trained doc? I can recommend a couple. I'm at prettythings at roadrunner dot com.
Hi Donna! :) Thank you so much for praying for me-I need it!
ReplyDeleteI do see a Creighton doctor, actually! :) She's great, and we're figuring out how to regulate my symptoms, but we still don't know WHY my FSH levels are so high and I have hot flashes. Not having a diagnosis is just really frustrating sometimes!
Is it Dr L? She's great! She's also a member of our church.
ReplyDeleteYes it is!! :) She's wonderful!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found her, it's who I would have recommended. Best of luck and you're in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteso true. I'm only recently discovering how annoying facebook can be in that respect. like did I really need to go on last night to find out that a friend from college is now pregnant? perfect example of how I could have been completely fine without that information.
ReplyDeletewhat a great husband you have :)
I've been hovering for awhile reading your blog and can relate wholeheartedly.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to go through IF. My husband and I are too and I understand your feelings 100%. For me, the hard part is that the problem is with his body, and I haven't yet come across a blog written from that perspective, or even a person to talk to about it. Makes us feel like there's no other couples struggling with the male infertility factor.
Anyways, I understand your frustration here, especially when I recently found out a high school friend, who's unmarried, is pregnant over facebook. Then she referenced a note she wrote previously saying how she's all about abortion and thinks everyone should get to have one if they want, but then said she decided she wants to "keep" this baby, so she won't have an abortion.
How nice for her child to know that his mom chose him, but had debated aborting him first.
Laura, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with IF as well. :( I'll definitely be praying for you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteWow, I can't believe your friend! I would be so, so angry! I don't know if I could have restrained myself!