Facebook-Induced Breakdown

When I first started reading the IF blogs, I didn't understand why people were so bothered by reading Facebook news feeds.  Well, that must have been because nobody I knew was pregnant at the time, because now I understand. :) I saw this facebook status from a "friend" I haven't talked to in a few years:

"I cannot wait until 7:30 AM on January 10th to meet little Mr. ___.   This cannot come soon enough! I do, however, love feeling him wiggle around and kicking. :) I will miss it..."

One of her friends then commented: "I love being pregnant but man my body is killing.  Play dates?!"

Then I saw on another "friend's" facebook: "I should find out if it's a boy or a girl in 2 weeks!  I'm 4 1/2 months along!"

At first, these things didn't even bother me!  I was even happy for the second lady (I've known about the first woman's pregnancy for awhile)!  But later on, when other stupid things were happening to remind me that I'm not normal, I had a complete breakdown.  An ugly one, too.  Usually my breakdowns consist of a quivery chin and some silent crying, but this one was more like loudly sobbing into my husband's chest.  I was having another one of my "But it's not fair!" moments (they're both unmarried).  Why can't I just be normal?  Why do I have hot flashes when I'm only in my early 20's?  Why can't doctors figure me out?  Why do other women (WHO DON'T EVEN WANT KIDS) get pregnant just by touching a man?  I might not ever get to feel a baby wiggling around inside of me. I might not ever get to have play dates. I might not get to go through morning sickness and back pain for my baby.  UGH!  

My wonderful husband was soothing me the whole time, reminding me that this would be a great opportunity to offer my pain up, and that "Every one to whom much is given, of him will much be required" (Luke 12:48-RSV).  He reminded me that although all of those people have a baby, they don't know God (no judgment-just fact).  They get to be pregnant but they don't have the privilege to recieve Jesus in the Holy Eucharist.  While he was talking with me, I realized that I want God's will...but only if that will has a baby in store for me.  IF is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  It's much, much more difficult than leaving Boomz for the convent, or leaving the convent for Boomz.  It's much harder to accept IF as God's will, much harder to practice detachment, and much harder to not get discouraged.  Tonight made me realize how much I've been relying on my own strength--and it's not working.  

Not one bit. :(

Starstruck

I just want to say thank you all for reading my religious life posts!  I must admit, I'm a bit starstruck seeing all of these women I've admired for so long comment!  :)  You all are such a blessing!

My Fake Religious Vocation Pt. IV

As much as I loved the beauty and peace that came with living in the convent, I was also coming to realize that religious life was not for me.  As much as I loved the sisters, I just did not "fit in" there.  I'm very physically affectionate, and that was (obviously) not allowed very often, the sisters are extremely competitive and athletic, and I'm definitely not.  I know that sounds like such a little thing, but the sisters said that "fitting in" is part of knowing you have a vocation to that community (I'm paraphrasing there).  I was EXTREMELY lonely.  I would get letters from home and curl up in a fetal position on the floor of my cell and just sob.  That sound super dramatic, but it's true.  My health was also going down the drain (honestly I don't think I've recovered).  I was being worked harder there than I ever had before, and I was losing weight.  I think I got down to 111 lbs (being 5'8", it's not a good place to be).  I was also having, um...digestive issues about every other day and had to ask permission to stay out of class in case I had an...episode. lol  My hot flashes were getting more frequent and more intense (to the point where I almost passed out or had to sit down during prayers), and my legs would suddenly go numb-ish and heavy.  I was very, very worried about myself.  Oh, and my hair was also falling out. :)  I got blood tests done, and my FSH and LH levels were crazy (my FSH was 151.).  

At some point, I decided to read Litt.le Wom.en (for the millionth time-it's my favorite book ever).  While I was reading, I couldn't stop thinking, "I want that!  I want to be Marmee!  I want to serve God through a husband!"  I tried to shove it to the back of my head, but it wouldn't leave.  I mean, at this point, I'd already had an inkling (I love that word) that I didn't have a religious vocation, but I was scared to leave.  I was afraid that I could never be holy living in the world.  During the rosary on Thanksgiving day, I was meditating (I can't remember if it was on the hidden life of Jesus and Mary at Nazareth or the Nativity...either way I know it wasn't the Luminous Mysteries like I was supposed to. lol) and all of a sudden, I just KNEW I was supposed to be married.  I really don't know how to explain what happened in my soul, other than suddenly, I just knew I was supposed to be married to Boomz. :)  A huge wave of peace washed over me, and I told my superior at my next conference with her (we had a scheduled meeting with our superior once a week for some spiritual direction).  She agreed that I didn't "have a vocation" (I hate that phrase-married life is a vocation too!), but asked me to think and pray about it for another week, just to be sure.  Well, a week passed and nothing had changed, so I prepared to leave.  I called my mother at work, and her reaction was so funny.  She said, "Are you serious?!  Are you serious?!"  and just broke down sobbing.  I don't really understand why I think that's funny, but I do. lol

I wasn't allowed to tell any of the other sisters until right before I left (except the first year professed sisters, since I wouldn't have a chance to talk to them the next morning), so I had to act like nothing was wrong the whole morning, which was really difficult.  I cried so, so hard saying goodbye to my postulants.  All of us had grown very close.  For some reason the goodbye I remember most was with Sr. S.ophia, a Cajun novice.  I kind of saw her like my big sister-she was so smart and funny and scrappy, and we had great talks about politics and saints. :)  Anyway, after I said goodbye, I went back to my cell and changed into the clothes I had worn when I entered the convent.  I had kept them to give to my family on Visiting Day, but forgot.  It felt SO WEIRD wearing jeans for the first time in months!  I really, really hated it, to be honest.  I told myself I would wear skirts for the rest of my life (yeah, that lasted like one day lol)!  I met my family in the chapel, and left in a huge ball of emotions.  I was weirdly mad, happy, and very sad all at the same time.  However, in my soul was the most profound peace I've ever, ever experienced, and it lasted for two weeks.  I knew I had done the right thing. :)



P.S.  This is the closest to the version of the Salve Regina that the sisters chant that I can find. :)  It's a little different, especially since it's men singing it. lol :)

My Fake Religious Vocation Pt. III

I forgot to write about a few things about convent life! 

"My" sisters are "semi-cloistered".  That means that portions of the house are off-limits to visitors.  The refectory (dining room), the cells, the library, and the whole novitiate (among other rooms) were cloistered.  There were also "places of silence": the chapel (obviously), the De Profundis hall (there were Stations of the Cross hung there, along with verses from the Bible about Jesus' sufferings.  We also prayed prayers for the dead before supper there), the cells and the hallways that contained them, the stairwells, the bathrooms, and the refectory (that's all I can remember for now). 

I can't believe I forgot to write about permissions and penances!  If you recieved a gift in the mail from somebody (my family sent me a new journal, for example), you had to go to your superior as soon as possible to ask for permission to keep it.  If you did something wrong (broke something, were late for prayers, etc.), you had to ask your superior for a penance.  It was usually something like a decade of the rosary, a few Hail Marys, or a Divine Mercy Chaplet.  I had to do this a lot. :( lol

The sisters had a lot of land, and throughout the woods there were little shrines! :)  One was to Our Lady of Czestochowa (one of the foundresses is Polish, so the community has a great devotion to her), another to the Holy Trinity (it was a beautiful icon), one to Our Lady of Grace, and another we called Calvary, because we had to climb a hill to get to it. :)  


Etiquette was very important to convent life, especially in the refectory.  The postulants had to learn not to "hug your mug", the proper way to eat soup and cereal, the right way to hold a knife and fork, how to cut your meat, how to eat bread (break off a piece or two, and butter only those pieces), etc.  We also had to learn to keep "custody of the eyes", which means during silent meals we had to keep our eyes on our own plate, so as to not distract our fellow sisters.  


Ahh, I could go on and on!  Tomorrow I'll post why I left the convent. :) 

My Fake Religious Vocation Pt. II

Life in the convent is very busy, and varies from day to day, but I'll try to give a good description!  I also don't remember every single detail of the schedule anymore. Warning-this will probably be a very, very long post. lol


Each of us had our own little room called a "cell" (which comes from the Latin word for Heaven-caeli) which was pretty small, but contained a closet, dresser, a desk, a bed, a nightstand, and a rocking chair (which I loved SO MUCH).  In each cell was a picture of Our Lady (mine was of Mary following Jesus while He's carrying the cross) and a crucifix.  We were allowed one pillow, one thin blanket, and a thicker one if it got too cold.  The window had shutters on the inside that you shut at night and opened in the morning; mine faced the woods and I had SUCH a beautiful view in the fall!


The sisters wake up at 5 in the morning and have to be in chapel at 5:25 (it might have been 5:30, I can't remember).  We were silent until Mother started prayers.  We prayed the Morning Offering, the Angelus, and renewed our consecration to Our Lady (not necessarily in that order, and there might have been more lol), and then prayed the Office of Readings for that day.  After the Office of Readings, we had half an hour of meditation (all of this is in front of the exposed Blessed Sacrament), and then Morning Prayer and Holy Mass.  After Mass, if you didn't have breakfast duties, you had time for silent thanksgiving.  If you DID have breakfast duties, you left right away and started getting breakfast ready for the rest of the sisters.  


Meals (and most of the day) were usually silent , unless it was a sister's feast day or some other big feast day.  While the rest of us ate silently, a sister read out loud. :)  During breakfast, some news was read to us, but during lunch and supper we were read to from a book.  When I first entered, we were reading Treasure in Clay by Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. :)  Being read to during meals is one of the biggest things I miss about the convent.  It was really heavenly. 


After breakfast, the postulants and novices cleaned up and the professed sisters went to teach or to their college classes (the sisters are teachers).  Then we started on our household duties.  I got SO lucky with my household duty.  I was a chapel cleaner!  EVERYONE wanted to be chapel cleaner because you got to spend extra time with Jesus.  

After duties, the postulants and novices had classes right in the novitiate.  My superior taught most of our classes, and they were excellent!  We took Catechism of the Catholic Church, Vatican II Documents, Convent Living, Dominican Spirituality, Choir, Sacred Scripture (my favorite class-it was taught by a bishop!), and a class that I can't remember the name of but it had something to do with being a catechist. :)  Of course, we didn't have all of these classes in one day. :) We had a (much-needed) coffee break at some point, and then had Afternoon Prayer and lunch.  After lunch and cleaning up, we chanted the Litany of Loreto in Latin (that was one of my favorite times of the day-it was so beautiful) and prayed our first rosary.  


After the rosary, we had recreation! :)  We took long walks, played ultimate frisbee, soccer, lacrosse, and other games I can't remember.  Recreation was often a great time to offer things up, because I hate running and I hate soccer. :)  After recreation I think we had free time (again, I'm getting a little fuzzy on the details of the schedule) to do homework, finish our duties, or get supper ready.  


At 4:30 we had spiritual reading in the chapel, then Evening Prayer and the rosary.  By this time all of the sisters were home. :)  The postulants cooking that evening had to leave during the 3rd decade of the rosary (they made up the rest on their own later), and then we ate supper.  The fact that we had a supper on the table every night was seriously a miracle. lol  5 inexperienced postulants cooking IN SILENCE for 80+ women...it's a recipe for chaos.  


While the sisters who had kitchen duties that week cleaned, the rest of the novitiate would fold the laundry and chat.  There were VERY SPECIFIC ways to fold things, and if you had one of the superior's clothes, you had to be SURE they were perfect.  I was always really intimidated by that.  Anyway, after kitchen duties, we had evening recreation, which was usually a game of some kind.  Sometimes we had "Be Nights", when we got out some kind of project we were working on (some sisters sewed, some made rosaries, I journaled) while a sister read "Ann.e of Gree.n Ga.bles" to us.  My favorite game to play was C.lue-I even beat my superior once!  Oh my goodness, I was so excited. lol  


After recreation was Compline, or Night Prayer, and the procession to Our Lady.  We chanted the Salve Regina (it's so beautiful...ugh I miss that!) and a prayer to St. Dominic.  After that, the novitiate had Study Hall for an hour.  You had to do your homework or an independent study.  By this time, it was very, very hard to stay awake.  Study Hall was over at 9:15, so I would practically run to get a quick shower in before bed.  I would read in bed for a half an hour or so, and made sure my light was out by 10:00. :)  Between 9:15 and 10:00, a sister went to every cell and sprinkled the door with holy water, whispering, "Ave Maria", and if you heard her, you were to whisper, "Gratia plena!"  


I will be extremely surprised if anyone gets to the end of this post. lol  Sorry it's so long and poorly written!

My Fake Religious Vocation

Early into my freshman year of college, my youth group (I hesitate to call it that because it was more like an apologetics group...I don't know what to call it. lol) brought the Dom.inican Sist.ers of Mary, Mo.ther of the Eucharist to campus for dinner and a talk on religious life.  I was instantly intrigued, because I didn't know people still "did that"!  At this point, I didn't know much about my faith, but I was learning and falling in love with it.  Anyway, when I saw the sisters, I was SO excited!  They wore full habits!  They had giant rosaries attached to their belts!  To top it off, they were young and hilarious!  I wanted to know everything I could about religious life, so I talked to Sr. Thoma.s Aqui.nas and she invited me to a retreat in November.  At first, I was definitely not going to go, but when the time came some of my friends that were going convinced me to go, so I did.  

Oh my goodness, when I got there, I was captivated by the sisters!  I never wanted to leave.  They were so full of joy and obviously in love with their Spouse.  I think I cried when the retreat was over, and I couldn't wait to go back in May.  It wasn't long before I was convinced I had a religious vocation, and the vocation director thought the same. 

So this post isn't a million years long, I'll fast forward.  In November of my sophomore year of college, I went on another retreat with the sisters, and this time I got my "papers".  I was determined to enter the next August!  Well, my parents were very, very unhappy (they're non-practicing Catholics), I had my student loans to deal with, and I was fast falling in love with a certain man nicknamed Boomz, so things were extremely difficult for me.  That year my family's house was also destroyed in a flood so they had to live in a camper in my aunt's driveway, my dad got into a car accident which should have killed him (he was out of work for months), and sister's eating disorder was popping up again.  It was an awful year, but I was so in love with Jesus, and I wanted to belong to Him alone (I didn't really know that married people could too, just in a different way :) ).  

Well, with much help from my now-husband, I entered the convent on August 28th-the Feast of St. Augustine (the sisters follow the Rule of St. Augustine)-with 11 other girls.  :)  My dad was crying because he was so unhappy, but I was in my choir stall at the front of the chapel in my postulant jumper and crying tears of joy.  I repeated the words St. Therese said when she entered Carmel, "I am here forever now" in my head.  I thought I was home. Obviously, God had other plans! :)

I'll write about how I left and about what life in the convent is like tomorrow (or later today if I have time)!

P.S. The sisters hold a retreat for mothers every year as well, in case any of you are interested! :)

Patron Saint!

My patron saint for the coming liturgical year is Servant of God Elisabeth Leseur!  I can't find very much on her, but what I did find made me fall in love with her!  Get this-she was infertile!  Her husband was an atheist and made fun of her for her piety, but she stayed firm in her faith.  She also was sickly most of her life (just like me!) and offered up all of her sufferings for her husband.  She died of breast cancer, and after her death, her husband found a note written by her, "In 1905, I asked almighty God to send me sufficient sufferings to purchase your soul. On the day that I die, the price will have been paid. Greater love than this no woman has than she who lay down her life for her husband."  Well, he ended up converting and becoming a Dominican priest!  My new patron is amazing!


Here's a quote from her:
"I know by experience that in hours of trial certain graces are obtained for others that all our efforts had not previously obtained. I have thus concluded that suffering is the higher form of action, the best expression in the wonderful communion of saints. . . . Through it God consents to accomplish everything. Suffering helps Christ to save the world and souls. When I am overwhelmed by the immensity of my desires for those I love, . . . it is toward suffering that I turn. It is through suffering that I ask to be allowed to serve as an intermediary between God and souls. It is the perfect form of prayer, the only infallible form of action. "

P.S. All my information is from Wikipedia, so hopefully it's accurate! :)