First, I just want to say something that I know I've said a million times, but I must say it again: Thank you! All of your advice is so appreciated. You are amazing and wonderful and so helpful! :) Thank you so much!
Not much is going on over here! I mean, I've had 10KL the last few days, which is confusing the heck out of me since I haven't had a period yet (I have no idea what day I'm on...It has to be like 55 or something), but I'm trying really hard not to focus on my IF. Thinking about it just stresses me out and makes me unpleasant to be around. lol So instead of ranting about how confused I am about what's going on with my body, I'm going to let St. Catherine of Siena blog for me. :) A friend read this reflection to me out of the Magn.ificat a few weeks ago, and it really stuck with me so I thought I'd share with y'all! :)
"I long to see you bound by the same blazing divine charity that moved God to draw us from within himself, from his infinite wisdom, so that we might share in and enjoy his supreme eternal good. This is the bond that bound and united God to human nature and engrafted him into us after we had lost grace through our sin. Life was engrafted into death so that we who were dead acquired life through that union. For God was so engrafted into humanity that one who was both God and human ran like one in love to the shameful death of the cross. This Incarnate Word wanted to be engrafted onto that tree. And it was not the cross or the nails that held him there. These were not strong enough to hold the God-Man. No, it was love that held him there."
Whoa.
"It was love that held him there", and I return this love with indifference and annoyance when I don't get whatever I want. Sigh. I swear, sometimes I think the only chance I have of becoming a saint is through martyrdom. ;)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Help!
My hair is falling out! lol
I used to have super, super thick hair. I mean, I could barely wrap a hair tie around it twice. Then, all of a sudden, it started falling out a lot. When I went to the doctor when I was in the convent (two years ago) because of my hot flashes, the doctor asked me if I noticed my hair falling out at all. At the time, I said no because I was in the convent and wasn't paying much attention to my hair (obviously. lol). However, after she mentioned something, I started to pay closer attention and noticed that my hair really does fall out A LOT. This was also around the time I started skipping periods more and more often. I know hair falling out is normal, but I mean, it's tons and tons of it. My hair is everywhere. It's on the couch, in the sink and tub, on all of our clothes, in our food (which is NOT pleasant), and all over the seats in our car. It's gotten to the point where I'm a little afraid to brush my hair. I've also noticed that the individual hairs are actually thinner.
Does anybody know what could be causing this? Could Premature Ovarian Failure (or insufficiency) or early menopause cause it? I'm obviously not postpartum, so it can't be that. ;) I've been taking prenatal vitamins for almost two years, which I thought would help, but they're not. The doctors I've talked to about it don't really take it seriously and say it's all in my head (I hear this a LOT). I would love to hear your thoughts on this... I don't want to go bald at 22, ladies! lol
I used to have super, super thick hair. I mean, I could barely wrap a hair tie around it twice. Then, all of a sudden, it started falling out a lot. When I went to the doctor when I was in the convent (two years ago) because of my hot flashes, the doctor asked me if I noticed my hair falling out at all. At the time, I said no because I was in the convent and wasn't paying much attention to my hair (obviously. lol). However, after she mentioned something, I started to pay closer attention and noticed that my hair really does fall out A LOT. This was also around the time I started skipping periods more and more often. I know hair falling out is normal, but I mean, it's tons and tons of it. My hair is everywhere. It's on the couch, in the sink and tub, on all of our clothes, in our food (which is NOT pleasant), and all over the seats in our car. It's gotten to the point where I'm a little afraid to brush my hair. I've also noticed that the individual hairs are actually thinner.
Does anybody know what could be causing this? Could Premature Ovarian Failure (or insufficiency) or early menopause cause it? I'm obviously not postpartum, so it can't be that. ;) I've been taking prenatal vitamins for almost two years, which I thought would help, but they're not. The doctors I've talked to about it don't really take it seriously and say it's all in my head (I hear this a LOT). I would love to hear your thoughts on this... I don't want to go bald at 22, ladies! lol
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Movie Night!
First, I just want to say thank you all so, so much for all of your comments, advice, and prayers! Seriously, you all are so wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm going to write about something totally unrelated to IF so I can try to get my mind off of it. :)
Last night, Boomz and I went to see The Ri.te. :) When I first saw the trailer for the movie, I thought, "Okay, I really, really want to see this because An.thony Ho.pkins is amazing, but it looks too scary." Well, after reading a bazillion reviews, one of which said it wasn't even scary, I was convinced I HAD to see it.
It was AMAZING! :)
I don't know why in the world that guy that said it wasn't scary, because I was TERRIFIED. lol I brought my Benedictine crucifix, just in case, and I was holding and kissing that thing almost the whole time (not superstitiously, of course. Just for comfort and to remind me He has already won!). There were some definite umm...icky...parts. However, most of the reason I was terrified was because of the spiritual reality that surrounds me that I really, really don't take seriously enough. I left the movie with a sense that I need to pray much, much more often (other than a morning offering, prayers before meals, and a Divine Mercy Chaplet), especially for priests. They are on the front lines of this battle every single minute of their lives. Their battles may not be as dramatic as Fr. Lucas' are in the movie, but I'm sure the devil tempts them horribly because of their priestly office. As Boomz said when we were walking out of the theater, "It made me want to never stop praying the rosary ." :)
The movie is also VERY Catholic. :) There are cassocked priests and habited nuns everywhere, and rosaries and statues of Our Lady abound. I mean, there are a few parts where the nerd in me got annoyed (they kept saying the seminarian was going to take "first vows", which doesn't make sense unless he was in an order of some kind. Diocesan priests just make promises), but it didn't make that many mistakes about Catholic theology (that I noticed). Overall, the Church is portrayed in a favorable light, and it made me think a great deal about the consequences of sin and what it means to sin. Besides, Anth.ony Ho.pkins was just amazing! And adorable, in the old man kind of way. :) I would love to go see it again.
On a somewhat related note, the teenagers that were in the theater behaved awfully! Do teenagers behave much worse than when we were teenagers, or am I just turning into a curmudgeon? lol I mean, they were throwing things across the room in the middle of the movie, sitting on each other's laps, making crude jokes, and talking the ENTIRE time! The kids in front of us got so bad that Boomz finally said something to them and they left. :)
Last night, Boomz and I went to see The Ri.te. :) When I first saw the trailer for the movie, I thought, "Okay, I really, really want to see this because An.thony Ho.pkins is amazing, but it looks too scary." Well, after reading a bazillion reviews, one of which said it wasn't even scary, I was convinced I HAD to see it.
It was AMAZING! :)
I don't know why in the world that guy that said it wasn't scary, because I was TERRIFIED. lol I brought my Benedictine crucifix, just in case, and I was holding and kissing that thing almost the whole time (not superstitiously, of course. Just for comfort and to remind me He has already won!). There were some definite umm...icky...parts. However, most of the reason I was terrified was because of the spiritual reality that surrounds me that I really, really don't take seriously enough. I left the movie with a sense that I need to pray much, much more often (other than a morning offering, prayers before meals, and a Divine Mercy Chaplet), especially for priests. They are on the front lines of this battle every single minute of their lives. Their battles may not be as dramatic as Fr. Lucas' are in the movie, but I'm sure the devil tempts them horribly because of their priestly office. As Boomz said when we were walking out of the theater, "It made me want to never stop praying the rosary ." :)
The movie is also VERY Catholic. :) There are cassocked priests and habited nuns everywhere, and rosaries and statues of Our Lady abound. I mean, there are a few parts where the nerd in me got annoyed (they kept saying the seminarian was going to take "first vows", which doesn't make sense unless he was in an order of some kind. Diocesan priests just make promises), but it didn't make that many mistakes about Catholic theology (that I noticed). Overall, the Church is portrayed in a favorable light, and it made me think a great deal about the consequences of sin and what it means to sin. Besides, Anth.ony Ho.pkins was just amazing! And adorable, in the old man kind of way. :) I would love to go see it again.
On a somewhat related note, the teenagers that were in the theater behaved awfully! Do teenagers behave much worse than when we were teenagers, or am I just turning into a curmudgeon? lol I mean, they were throwing things across the room in the middle of the movie, sitting on each other's laps, making crude jokes, and talking the ENTIRE time! The kids in front of us got so bad that Boomz finally said something to them and they left. :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Where do we go from here?
Well, yesterday was rough.
After the BFN, I kept my composure until I went into the bathroom, and then I completely lost it (I have no idea why the bathroom triggered it. lol). I was absolutely sobbing. The kind of sobbing where you can't breathe and your face is all contorted. I think it might have been the hardest I've ever cried. For the first time in my life, I literally cried out to God. I'd only ever done that in my head before.
My doctor told me NOT to get my FSH/LH levels tested (although I have no idea why), but that she could order some progesterone shots to get me to start cycling again. I told her I'd have to talk to my husband to see what he thought and that I would call her back. Well, the next time I called, the receptionist said that Dr. L said that I could do nothing and see if I start cycling on my own, or start estrogen and progesterone again. She said that if I start my period, I can start taking Cl.omid. I told her that I have plenty of estrogen and progesterone here, and asked if I should just take that. The receptionist said she had to ask the doctor and she'd call me back. I haven't heard from her.
I'm very frustrated with my doctor. I know I've said this a million times before, but I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! Seriously, I am sick of just treating my symptoms. I want a diagnosis. I haven't had my FSH/LH tested for a year, but it was 165 last time it was tested. I mean, something has to be causing that! Even menopausal women don't have FSH levels that high. Clom.id isn't going to help me if my FSH levels are that high. I'm pretty sure Dr. L forgets that every time I go to see her. I love her, and I'm so grateful for what she's done for me so far, but she's very forgetful.
In addition to the whole not being pregnant thing, I'm also having a what-in-the-world-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life crisis. I went to the convent in the middle of my college career (I figured I wouldn't need my degree in the convent, especially since I'd be getting one after my novitiate), and when I left the convent it was too late to re-enroll for the spring semester. I worked at the factory where my dad works for a few months, until I moved closer to Boomz and transferred to a local branch of a university. Well, I only went to school for one semester, because I feel like college isn't for me. I know that sounds like I'm being lazy, but I'm really not. All I want to do with my life is be a wife and a mother. That is what I want to be, and I don't need a degree for that. At least that was my mentality at the time. I think I thought (even though I'd been having fertility issues since I was 17) that we'd conceive right away, so I could just be a SAHM. I started working at a local coffee shop, and worked there a few months until new owners bought the place and kicked us all out. So now I'm a SAHW. I would just go back to school, but it turns out they don't offer all of the classes I need at the local branch, so I'd have to commute 45 minutes-an hour everyday to the main campus. Besides, I have no idea what I'd do with a degree in history. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, other than be a wife and mother. But I feel like I can't just be a SAHW until I have a baby. I could be waiting for the rest of my life. I feel pathetic because I don't really have any interests other than history and the Church. Sigh. What am I going to do?
I'm sorry this post is so rambling and confusing and poorly-written. I'm mostly trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head. Thank you all for your prayers, comments, and support! Y'all are so wonderful! :)
After the BFN, I kept my composure until I went into the bathroom, and then I completely lost it (I have no idea why the bathroom triggered it. lol). I was absolutely sobbing. The kind of sobbing where you can't breathe and your face is all contorted. I think it might have been the hardest I've ever cried. For the first time in my life, I literally cried out to God. I'd only ever done that in my head before.
My doctor told me NOT to get my FSH/LH levels tested (although I have no idea why), but that she could order some progesterone shots to get me to start cycling again. I told her I'd have to talk to my husband to see what he thought and that I would call her back. Well, the next time I called, the receptionist said that Dr. L said that I could do nothing and see if I start cycling on my own, or start estrogen and progesterone again. She said that if I start my period, I can start taking Cl.omid. I told her that I have plenty of estrogen and progesterone here, and asked if I should just take that. The receptionist said she had to ask the doctor and she'd call me back. I haven't heard from her.
I'm very frustrated with my doctor. I know I've said this a million times before, but I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! Seriously, I am sick of just treating my symptoms. I want a diagnosis. I haven't had my FSH/LH tested for a year, but it was 165 last time it was tested. I mean, something has to be causing that! Even menopausal women don't have FSH levels that high. Clom.id isn't going to help me if my FSH levels are that high. I'm pretty sure Dr. L forgets that every time I go to see her. I love her, and I'm so grateful for what she's done for me so far, but she's very forgetful.
In addition to the whole not being pregnant thing, I'm also having a what-in-the-world-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life crisis. I went to the convent in the middle of my college career (I figured I wouldn't need my degree in the convent, especially since I'd be getting one after my novitiate), and when I left the convent it was too late to re-enroll for the spring semester. I worked at the factory where my dad works for a few months, until I moved closer to Boomz and transferred to a local branch of a university. Well, I only went to school for one semester, because I feel like college isn't for me. I know that sounds like I'm being lazy, but I'm really not. All I want to do with my life is be a wife and a mother. That is what I want to be, and I don't need a degree for that. At least that was my mentality at the time. I think I thought (even though I'd been having fertility issues since I was 17) that we'd conceive right away, so I could just be a SAHM. I started working at a local coffee shop, and worked there a few months until new owners bought the place and kicked us all out. So now I'm a SAHW. I would just go back to school, but it turns out they don't offer all of the classes I need at the local branch, so I'd have to commute 45 minutes-an hour everyday to the main campus. Besides, I have no idea what I'd do with a degree in history. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, other than be a wife and mother. But I feel like I can't just be a SAHW until I have a baby. I could be waiting for the rest of my life. I feel pathetic because I don't really have any interests other than history and the Church. Sigh. What am I going to do?
I'm sorry this post is so rambling and confusing and poorly-written. I'm mostly trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head. Thank you all for your prayers, comments, and support! Y'all are so wonderful! :)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
In Suspense...
I finally got my blood drawn for a pregnancy test yesterday! My doctor's office said they'd call me today with the results, but it never happened. Hopefully they'll call tomorrow morning... I mean, part of me thinks that surely they would have called right away if it were positive, but another part is still holding on to hope.
Ughhh...I have SO many worries about all of this! If only surrendering to God's will were easy! :)
I'll let y'all know what the results are! I'm sure you're all hanging on tenterhooks. ;)
P.S. That is the right phrase, right? lol I can't remember if it's waiting on tenterhooks or hanging. lol
Ughhh...I have SO many worries about all of this! If only surrendering to God's will were easy! :)
I'll let y'all know what the results are! I'm sure you're all hanging on tenterhooks. ;)
P.S. That is the right phrase, right? lol I can't remember if it's waiting on tenterhooks or hanging. lol
Monday, January 24, 2011
A Few Things
Thank you so much for all of your comments on my last post. They've given me a lot to think about and have been such a consolation to me! :) Thank you so much!
I went to Confession on Saturday and confessed my bitterness toward God. Our priest hurt his knee while skiing, so a visiting priest was hearing confessions, and he actually gave me council! Priests NEVER give me advice in the confessional! This priest had me in tears, because 1) He was so gentle and he sounded like he understood how hard IF is, and 2) He said almost everything you gals said in the comments of my last post! He told me that once I surrender to God's will, something beautiful will happen. It may not be a child, but maybe I'll have some special insight into God's nature that people without this cross will never have.
At Mass yesterday, the priest (not the same as above lol) gave an AMAZING homily. He talked about the horrors of abortion and how abortion stems from the contraceptive mentality. Ahh, it was SO good! I was so proud of this priest for speaking up about hard issues!
Yesterday, my sister texted me and told me that she caught our little brother watching por.n on her laptop. He's only 14 years old. Sigh. I'm feeling so many different things about this... At first my heart just sunk and I felt really sad, then I got angry with my parents for not forming their children in the Faith, and then I got angry with our pornified culture and the people who make such trash. UGH! And my sister is reluctant to say anything to our parents because our brother tells her everything and "she doesn't want to lose that". While I totally understand that, I just want to shake her and say, "HELLO?! Don't you understand his soul is at stake here?!" I also feel like I should say something to him since I'm his Confirmation sponsor...
The most frustrating thing about all of this is the fact that even if my sister tells my parents, they probably won't DO anything about it! They'll just say, "Oh, don't do that. That's inappropriate," and just let it go. If it were me, I would get rid of the wireless internet! That way, he can only use the desktop in the living room. But I know my parents won't do that, because they just bought him X.box live. UGH, UGH, UGHHH!
Can you tell I'm a little upset? lol
Please, please pray for my family, especially my brother. At one point, he told me he wanted to be a priest, but in the last year the world has really got ahold of him. Sigh.
At Mass yesterday, the priest (not the same as above lol) gave an AMAZING homily. He talked about the horrors of abortion and how abortion stems from the contraceptive mentality. Ahh, it was SO good! I was so proud of this priest for speaking up about hard issues!
Yesterday, my sister texted me and told me that she caught our little brother watching por.n on her laptop. He's only 14 years old. Sigh. I'm feeling so many different things about this... At first my heart just sunk and I felt really sad, then I got angry with my parents for not forming their children in the Faith, and then I got angry with our pornified culture and the people who make such trash. UGH! And my sister is reluctant to say anything to our parents because our brother tells her everything and "she doesn't want to lose that". While I totally understand that, I just want to shake her and say, "HELLO?! Don't you understand his soul is at stake here?!" I also feel like I should say something to him since I'm his Confirmation sponsor...
The most frustrating thing about all of this is the fact that even if my sister tells my parents, they probably won't DO anything about it! They'll just say, "Oh, don't do that. That's inappropriate," and just let it go. If it were me, I would get rid of the wireless internet! That way, he can only use the desktop in the living room. But I know my parents won't do that, because they just bought him X.box live. UGH, UGH, UGHHH!
Can you tell I'm a little upset? lol
Please, please pray for my family, especially my brother. At one point, he told me he wanted to be a priest, but in the last year the world has really got ahold of him. Sigh.
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