Frustration and A Question

Well, CD47 and P+18 (at least-my cycle was so weird so I'm not totally sure) and still no AF. 


I've taken four home pregnancy tests and got four BFN.  I called my doctor this morning and asked her if I should take a blood test, but she can't fax an order over to the lab until Monday afternoon.  I am SO frustrated!  I would really, really like some answers.  


I'm feeling a bit crazy about this whole situation.  On one hand, I fully expect to NOT be pregnant.  On the other, I totally have my hopes up.  For example, I haven't had an alcoholic beverage for a couple of weeks now and I restricted myself to half a cup of coffee this morning because I've heard caffeine can negatively effect fertility (is that true?).  I've been completely exhausted (even though I've been sleeping better), and somehow the thought keeps creeping into my head that it's pregnancy fatigue.  This morning when I was nauseated, I let myself think that it might be a bit of morning sickness.  I know with four BFN it's highly unlikely that I'm pregnant, but I keep thinking things like that anyway.    


After getting my fourth BFN this afternoon, I asked Boomz if he thinks God made me infertile, and if He didn't, how did I get this way?  Boomz replied that he doesn't know if God made me infertile, but if He did, it would somehow be for His glory.  Because I'm a prideful sinner, I automatically thought, "Well, that's just selfish of Him.  Why would He make me this way if He knew it would cause me so much pain?  If it's just for His glory, then that's not very humble of Him."  Ugh, Lord Jesus, forgive me!  


So I guess my question is: do you think God made me infertile?  I don't know the correct theological answer, but I lean toward no. 

Family Drama

The other day, Boomz and I were driving home from a weekend of visiting family and friends, when his mother called.  Boomz' cousin C, had written on her mother's FB wall, saying:


"Since I can't be friends with any of my aunts and uncles on my facebook page I'll give it to them on my mother's......You are all disgusting excuses for people your thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and fundamentalist views are sick. It grosses me out that I am related to you people (except you Mom). Its too bad Grandma didn't choose abortion the 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 5th times she got knocked up, seems those stem cells would have went to better use rather than give any of you jerks a brain and a mouth."


So. Evil.  


Most of Boomz' family (on his mother's side) are devout Baptists and nondenominational Protestants.  C's branch of the family is Catholic, but obviously, C doesn't practice.  C has an alcohol problem (even though she won't admit it), and has two children with two different men, both of whom she wasn't married to.  She often accuses the rest of the family (especially my MIL) of pushing religion on her, even though we never really mention it in front of her.  However, at Christmas she seemed pretty happy, and wasn't as belligerent as she usually is!  We seriously have no idea what prompted such an attack on the rest of Boomz' family.   It's really, really sad.  I can't imagine harboring such hate inside!  I love my in-laws; I don't understand how anybody can think such things about them.  


After finding out about C's rant, Boomz wrote a beautiful, private note on FB to his family (including the branch that hates the rest of us) telling them how much he appreciates them.  I sent my MIL a FB message telling her that I'm VERY happy she's alive and that she's a wonderful MIL. :)  Now, my SIL is arranging a family prayer meeting in a couple of days. :)  




Please pray for C and Boomz' family.  C is obviously very wounded.  

Okie dokie then...

Although I've been having cramps for days now (yesterday's were particularly bad), I've been off of my progesterone for 3 days now (which my doctor said should make my period start), and I'm at CD45 (or something), I STILL haven't started my period.  I POAS again today, and yet again, a BFN.  I don't understand.  Any thoughts?  


Thank you all for all of your comments and support through all of this confusion!  You all are so wonderful!  


In other news, at a get-together this weekend I found out yet another one of my friends is pregnant.  They even brought ultrasound pictures, which I did NOT look at.  It feels like everybody I know is pregnant!  Ay, ay, ay!


I think the anxiety meds I'm taking are keeping me from sleeping.  I usually fall asleep fine, but wake up at some point(s) and I can't go back to sleep.  I'm honestly not sure if I slept at all last night.  Many of my symptoms (stabbing pains in my chest, racing heart, etc.) are gone, but I'm going crazy from lack of sleep.  


Ugh.  I feel like I haven't properly blogged in a million years, and I have a lot that I want to post about, but I'm so, so tired and I can't think straight.  I'm sorry!  Thank you all for sticking with me, even though I'm not being a very good blogger! :) 

Just a quick update

I'm having horrible cramps...AF is on her way.  And I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.  

CD43 and counting...

AF has not shown up... 


I POAS again on Friday, and no baby!  My doctor called me back and said to stop taking progesterone and I should get my period in a couple of days...We'll see.  


I'm so, so CONFUSED!  I know I've said this already, but I'm really, really worried that I'm going to stop cycling again.  That leaves no hope at all...

Still no AF

I never thought I'd be so frustrated by NOT having AF visit. lol  


It's CD41 and no AF and no pregnancy.  What's going on?!  I called my doctor yesterday and all she told me was, "Relax.  You'll get your period."  Oh. Okay then.  Sigh.  To her credit, she did have her receptionist call again today to ask how many days I've been on my progesterone (13), and said she'd call later if she thinks anything is wrong.  


My biggest worry is that I'm just going to stop cycling again.  At least when I have my period, there's SOME hope of pregnancy.  Seeing a million updates on my friends' pregnancies every time I log in to Facebook just reminds me of how abnormal I am.  I know I can block them from my newsfeed, but I feel so bad doing that!  I'm definitely giving up Face.book for Lent this year. :)


Luckily, Boomz and I are going to visit some friends and family this weekend, so maybe that'll help to get my mind off of my IF! :)  We're going to see my family tonight, and then head to see our friends on Saturday to celebrate Boomz' 25th birthday! :)  Yay!  He's a quarter of a century old! 

So confused!

Well...it's CD38 and no AF.  


I POAS last night, and of course it was a BFN.  Since I've started cycling again (last March), I've never had a cycle this long.  Am I going to randomly start skipping periods again?  My period this cycle was all VL and L... 


Boomz was so cute last night.  He was so hopeful about the pregnancy test!  He didn't want me to look at the results without him. :)  When we saw the BFN, he said "Well, maybe next month!"  I'm so grateful for his hopefulness.  He keeps me from getting too bitter and reminds me that "We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a wonderful husband!


Thank you all so much for your prayers!  They are so appreciated!  I love you girls!